It's not goodbye....It's I will see you again one day! 02/02/1988-05/23/2011

Some people come into our lives and they quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.
As human kind we will never be familiar with death. Millions of people die every day but when someone close to our hearts passes on it feels like it's the first time ever for such to happen. One thing we should all know is that suffering and sadness makes people a little wiser. It allows us to be strong enough to be kind to others. When you see anyone of us... Let us cry because tears are there to protect our heart and to remind us how close to us Jaimie is. When tears seem like they are going to run dry, our hearts will be calm and quiet, feeling clear inside but we will remain with the transpicuous sense of being blessed with life. Encourage each other to search for beautiful things around us that will give us hope to move on.
A dear friend of mine said to me the other day that "On May 23rd you were brought into this world and On May 23rd Jaimie Lynn got her wings, like a true angel in heaven, she will shine down upon us." There couldn't have been a better statement at that moment. She really is an Angel, and I know that her life may not have been perfect but it was nothing less than beautiful. I won't stand here and tell everyone about Jaimie and I's past times.....I'm sure most of us here have our own memories that we will keep so dear to us. Hold on to those forever, and when you feel the urge to cry because a wave of emotion comes over you and you want to pick up the phone or take a drive to see her...you can smile through the memories of the good times you have shared.
Jaimie was the most spontaneous, kindhearted and fun loving person someone could have in their life. She always knew how to make a bad situation good and could always put a smile on our faces no matter what the day brought. I miss how she would always brag so much about me and Chris and when I met someone for the first time...I felt like they knew me almost better than I knew myself. I miss how she made fun of me because I was called precious as a baby...well Jaimie...just to let you know..I always thought you were the precious one...I got in trouble a lot because of things you did. I was mad then...but now...I wish we could do it again. I would take the blame for every single thing you did if I just had the chance to say I love you. We had our moments together, a few were rough .....but not nearly enough of them. At 23 years old Jaimie was just starting to experience life..just starting to appreciate how precious life and growth is. She left with us an adorable little girl and we will know through her that Jaimie is with us each and every day...and in a couple of years we will really be able to see if Jaimie is there. Trust me when I say that....ohh we will know.
Many say that everything has its time and place, that God has his plan. I believe in God and I believe in his plan...but being who I am I can't help but wonder why his plan for my beautiful sister to leave us in 23 years with no warning and not give many of us a chance to let her know we love her was a part of it. To not let her know that she will always be in our hearts forever until we get to see her again in the land of milk and honey.
She told me in a dream that Happy asked her for help watching over us and that she would be perfect for the position...and I remember that my mom told Jaimie and I to make Grandma proud because she is watching over us...well it seems like Jaimie listened for just about the only time in her life and did as my mother wished...me on the other hand...well... thats a work in progress.
People say that you only get one shot at life...I don't think that there is too much truth to that. I believe that you have only one physical life, yes...but I feel that you have many shots in that life to make yourself happy and make amends with the ones you love but may not have shown it as well as you should have.
Some people spend their entire childhood fussing and fighting with their siblings and wishing they were an only child. Some spend their childhood in perfect harmony. Well, not perfect, but harmony none the less. There are also those who have no other little person in their daily life to fuss with or to hang out with. Poor people. Having a brother and/or a sister is wonderful because you can give and take...you learn and teach.....Sisters don't need words. Jaimie had perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs -She smiled when I told stories - for she knew where the decoration had been added and she had the power to undermine any tale I was telling and ohhh boy did she use that power...Thats my Jaimie
Jaimie is now watching us from above...she is smiling down on all of us gathered here today, she knows where the love is and has been her entire life. Anyone who feels that they had wished they told her they loved her.....believe me she knows... In the words of Tom Petty "You and I will meet again, When we're least expecting it, One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face,I won't say goodbye my friend,For you and I will meet again."
I promise you I will never forget you and I know that you believe me because if you thought It wasn't true....I know you wouldn't have left!

Be Happy

How many times throughout our lives do we stop for a minute to try and understand what exactly it is that we need? We go to bed at night wondering if it is all real or is just some impossibly unreachable desire, dangling there only to say that it isn't, but still appears to be...deception? There is a light that we all search for that will remove the darkness to make our world free and happy. The light is within, the soul, the very center of yourself. Find it and you've discovered that what we've been taught all of our lives about "What is" is really what you make it. It's your own awakening, your enlightening, your truth about how you are what you want.

Why do we feel empty? What is it that feels lonely? I Myself feel a constant current flowing through my center to attach every possible second of my life to another individual, an individual who fills what it is thats lonely and empty inside of me. You see others who need their moments for themselves. Could they be selfish, still unhappy desires that deceive us and make us feel that our aloneness is the issue ?

What is the point of not sharing every possible moment with someone who makes you feel...not empty. We always seem too busy with everything all around us, we sometimes forget our own happiness, or what our own happiness would be like. I'm the guy right now sitting here contemplating what about what makes me...full, is uncontrollable . I'm a guy that knows every single thing outside of my reality means absolutely nothing. Does it mean that I am neglecting the world in motion? No. It means the world in motion doesn't have any significance to me if I'm not able to share or express my most genuine thoughts with the individual I want to spend all my time with. The thoughts from who I am and to who I can most be...me.

It's cold when there isn't a smile during a moment that would be remembered forever, it's hollow when you can't sit down after a hard day, relax at home and discuss the moments together that have passed. If you pay attention to how many "moments" there actually are, you would realize that all you'll ever need to make every single nanosecond of your life, no matter the setting or circumstance, the struggle or heartache, the seemingly impossible walls needed to overcome, is to embrace the unspoken truth that You, Me, Him and Her are way less than what everything else says we should be. It is about understanding that there is someone for everyone. That equally imperfect, deeper than soulmate connection to another that can't be explained, made sense of, or even broken. It just is and will always be. Maybe I'm the only one feeling this way or maybe I'm just not making any sense ...I dont know, but I know what I feel and if anyone can relate to what I have said...then you feel it too and it's good to know that happiness is not extinct. Truth be told...thats what its really all about. Why not? What else is there?

Just some food for thought

Insecurity is not a trait limited to women. There are many men who are also insecure, especially if they perceive themselves to be the lesser partner in a relationship. But most often, it seems to be women who are the more insecure of the two.

Insecurity is damaging to a relationship especially when it is totally unjustified. If a woman is insecure and constantly finding fault with you as a result, there will come a point when you will get fed up trying to placate her and prefer being with someone who is more deserving of your affection.

While most of us are insecure about something, be it our looks, intelligence or popularity, we tend to deal with it and get on with our lives. We are aware that we are lacking in a certain department, but also reassure ourselves that we compensate for it in another area. Insecurity becomes a problem when it assumes larger-than-life proportions and verges on paranoia. If you find someone that you really see into, it is worth examining the problem and getting to the root cause of the insecurity, just as any paranoia can be traced to certain deep-rooted fears.
Sometimes a woman becomes insecure due to severe criticism, either from parents or siblings, that she’s too lazy or inefficient or feeling that she is totally lacking in looks for anyone to ever be attracted to her. Or she may have become insecure when a relationship went sour and she got dumped, or found out that her man was cheating on her. They might try to become someone that they feel is "worthy" of everyones attention.

For instance, someone who is life-and-soul of the party may well be that extrovert in order to keep an inner hurt from being discovered. It's a kind of camouflage, and it works like this: "If people don't see the real me, they cannot hurt the real me. If they upset the outer me, that's OK. But they won't because I'm the life and soul of the party." Seems like it is fool proof...but it's not, it ends up hurting a lot worse for a lot longer down the line. On top of the hurt the insecurities cause themselves, the ones around them, especially the one closest, ends up getting hurt also. Sometimes that special person just wants to show how much they love them no matter what, and the insecure one gets upset or defensive and paranoid in unbelief, and may even lash out.

How much does one have to give to show that no shortcoming interferes with real, unjudging, deep, undeniable...Love? What truly has to be done so that one can be truly happy with the affection and attention they deny themselves of? One has to first be happy with themselves, not with who they haven't been or wish they could be but who they are now, the strengths they now possess and lean on them to help build up those weaknesses. To worry about what everyone else has to say about what they feel may not be perfect is a poison that will consume every ounce of energy you have and you will persish an unhappy individual. What kind of life is that?

I may not have loved who I was for years and a lot of decisions were based on that weakness alone but today, today I understand that who I am today is me. No matter who I pretend to be, who I envy, or who I try to be so very badly...I can't escape...me. Today, I love me, I love my struggles not because they are so great or because no one has ever endured anything like them but because through them I have learned more than I would ever have imagined. I learned more about myself and who I really am because I wanted to be so different. But why? I am not so bad when I really understood who it was underneath it all. Have I become a narcissist? nah...just a little more mature.

Don't want to wake up

I don’t claim to have any answers, but I certainly have a lot of questions. I often don’t know where I am going or where I belong, but there is something that calls me there. Do you hear it? Is it love, to hurt, to feel? Are we born into sin or born as Gods? Were we made in error, or not made at all? We are born into something, there is no doubt about that, but what is it exactly?

Is the world a dream that we simply cannot wake from? Are we here to learn something from each other…from God? Are we here to learn to love? Maybe we are the only way that God can feel. Maybe we are lost…Just when I think I know it all, I find that I am overwhelmed to the point where I know nothing at all. It is easy to get caught up in science or faith, but really how great is our perspective with such a limited faculty of understanding?

Do you ever have that nanosecond in the morning when the dream you were having carries into your waking moments and it feels real? If it's a great dream you get that little thrill in your chest and you can feel the surge of energy followed by the crash of disappointment. If it's a nightmare you feel a weight descending upon you that thankfully is removed as soon as awareness of your state creeps in.

I was asked years ago if we were really in a dream and if life was real.
The question has since bothered me night and day because it is one I’ve asked myself. In an attempt to shelter myself from uncertainty, I am guessing that I simply disposed of the question in the back of my head. The catch with that sort of thing is that eventually the question will return, more nagging and burning than ever.

Movies like The Matrix touch upon the subject and music often takes us to a place where we feel dreamy, but still it is difficult to ponder such a thought without becoming very troubled. They say that meditation will teach you that life is a dream of sorts, but one cannot really understand that statement until we reach the mountain top for ourselves. Yes, we all want to get to that mountain top, but what do we do until we get there?
The Enigma
If my current dreams are any indication, were we to really be in a dream world, our imaginary world is most likely a gross misrepresentation of the real world we are missing. Laws that exist here probably do not exist in other worlds, at least not in their entirety.

So, an interesting question based on the dream world hypothesis would be, “is everyone else real?” If they are, then are we all dreaming? If they aren’t, then am I living a hallucination? For me, this is the hardest part about the dream world idea, because if the rest of life was not real, then my family, and friends would disappear when I woke. Now ask yourself this question: If we had positive evidence that life was a dream and no-one else was real, would you be willing to wake up knowing that you would sacrifice everything you had become and those you have/had loved? Would you even be given the choice? Maybe upon knowing we are dreaming we simply, wake up?

I know what you are thinking because I am thinking it too. If meditation and Buddhism/Zen teach us that to climb that mountain we must give up every bit of baggage we carry, then in a way we really do have to give up our current “realities” in order to reach the higher ground. So is that what is stopping us from waking up? Do we purposely stay asleep so that we can continue to live and love our life on Earth? If we have to give up our realities to reach that summit, are we wrong in wanting to just admire the view from below?

I suppose this is where the cycle of death and birth nudge us in the direction we must go, but it sounds like a very difficult journey. I try at times myself, on a journey to reach that peak, but I hesitate to do so without the understanding of love.

So I ask you, is there a place for love at the top?

Maybe sanity is just overrated…

Where you at

Sometimes there are highs, and sometimes there are lows. There are even days when we don't know which way to go. Life is funny how it falls into place, that every situation is given its own name. Why is Love such a hard thing to play? Why do trees cry when you carve out a name. Why do you turn away when you can smile and say hey? These are questions I will ask until answered one day.

But for now I accept, in your heart I am not. Words filled with meaning are things you forgot. Where it went wrong I haven't a clue, somewhere a clear line most surely was drew. You hide something from me, what you say to me you feel, your words you say are truth, but each day, you show whats real.

I try and I try to give you all of me, a dedicated partner, not like someone I know....ya, a donor of three, I grew up without his guidance, advice or any wisdom. Just a boy with many questions, a mother, and two younger siblings.

Throughout my experience I've lived and I've learned, I've lied, cheated and stolen...and ya, I've even been burned. All those situations have made me today. A man who learned that trust between us is supposed to be OK.

A bond between two beings is the way God had us made. Where did that go amongst the human race? Look all around us at the way we behave, deceitful, dishonest, untrustworthy ways. More reason to succeed against all the odds, so happy, carefree and walking with GOD.

I have begun to confide in you since a few yesterdays, what do you do...take my words astray. Searching for comfort, sympathy or attention in any other way. What am I not giving you to make you be this way? or what am I doing wrong that you haven't the courage to say? Beautiful, I'm telling you, I love you more than my words can portray. If you've lost that feeling, you said made you want me to take you away, tell me I'm alone, wishing on a star that doesn't glow, Be honest with me, and tell me where I'm at is not really OUR home.

Decisions

A run away response is one of several responses and strategies available to us when confronted with a stressful situation. I've read that "a fleeting response is likely related to our childhood of having a single parent and maybe an abusive brother."

All my life I have been running, always on the go, whether pursuing something for the sake of achieving or obtaining it, or to divert from something behind me. The thing is I was never abused by my mother or siblings, if anything I was the one picking on them! So to look at why I am almost "programmed" to run from things concerning me, I can't compare them to an abused childhood, because, I simply wasn't abused.

As a matter of fact, my siblings and I were very much loved and taken care of very well, though we didn't have EVERYTHING we may have wanted ($100 pair of Jordan's, Name Brand Jeans or the latest and greatest video game console when it first came out). My mom worked hard for what we had, we had what we needed and we were grateful. I mean if you are to look at my grade school pictures, I was wearing calve high multi-colored tube socks. After a few days of wear, the tops stretched because they were pulled up so high all day and they fell down around my ankles when I moved. Not to mention the shirt with the skateboard in the center surrounded by pretty, manly...pink! Oooh yeah! Well, I do have to admit that pink shirt along with the peach horizontally striped one are probably what landed me Mr. Douglas's girlfriend in 4Th grade. Sorry about that by the way!

As I grew older my "needs" started to change a little bit. I started to feel that I should have more. I questioned why we couldn't have as much as the other kids and families. Just starting to pick up on the different levels of "money making" I didn't understand why we didn't make more money for us. As I see it, this very well could have been the beginning of my problems.

One thing I have noticed is that when someone I know is faced with the problem of a difficult situation, I figure out the best possible solution. Anytime anyone has ever needed any advice or assistance I was there with an opinion that seemed to be ideal. The problem lies in the solutions I come up with for myself. Why do I always seem to choose or formulate the wrong solution...for me? What about this chemical make up has gone wrong?

As I look back I see poisonous decision-making throughout my day. Why am I blind to stay in relationships that are diminishing and emotionally and/or psychologically toxic; smoke cigarettes, even though there is clear evidence that smoking is deadly to myself and to others in the vicinity and, most of all, engage in activities that I, in my Heart-of-Hearts, know are destructive and dangerous to the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of myself and valued others.

Destructive decision-making and self-sabotage are around all of us. For example, is there a more blatant illustration of self-destructive behavior than the Kobe Bryant case? Kobe seemed to have everything going for him. He is a top professional basketball player; he earns millions of dollars a year in salary and more than ten times that in product endorsements; he has a beautiful young wife and a new child; and he was one of the most respected and beloved athletes of our time. For some reason, however, he made a decision that put all this at risk, for what appears to be an hour or so of physical pleasure.

Kobe Bryant is no different from any of us. At times, we all make flawed and self-destructive decisions - especially when our emotions come into play. The difference between Kobe and almost everyone else is that Kobe's destructive decision-making is front and center in the public spotlight, and his humiliation, potential losses, and fall from grace have been, and will be, far more dramatic than most.

When certain personal emotions, emotional weaknesses, needs, and/or temptations are involved or triggered, I seemingly react thoughtlessly and reflexively by making a devastatingly destructive and self-sabotaging decision. Part of the problem is that when I'm faced with important decisions, I often have little or no time to think things through objectively, in order to reach the most constructive short- and long-term decisions.

I have read that the primary key to self-enhancing decision-making is to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared when decisions are required. This is especially true when the situation is triggered by particular emotions, needs, or cravings. Very often, I make bad decisions because I do not prepare myself, in advance, to deal with the possible, or probable, opportunities, issues, temptations, etc., that are likely to come my way.

So another question raises with this knowledge, How do you prepare mentally, emotionally, and psychologically before a decision is to be made? That question brings me to "expect the unexpected".

I have been exposed to many formulas for personal change and growth that rely upon the Band-Aid approach of simply changing my attitude and my facade. In today's world of quick fixes and superficial solutions, these theories can appear very attractive. And they may work - when things are going well. But when crises hit, deep conflicts occur, and tough choices need to be made, these matchstick foundations often fall apart, my positive facades fade or crumble, and I tend to revert back to my old, reflexive, ineffective decision-making process and strategies for dealing with problems...RUN! All of my resolve and resolutions go - as Paul Simon sang - "slip sliding away." I read that the reason is: "Formulas that change only facades basically focus upon changing the symptoms of our problems; they don't deal with and eradicate or alleviate their causes." We can't cure cancer with a spray of Bactine and a nice bandage. Deeper explorations and more intricate procedures and remedies are required.

Additionally, there are many self-help theories that deal exclusively and/or primarily with cerebral/cognitive solutions to behavioral problems. Therefore, they don't sufficiently deal with the all-important emotional aspects of the decision-making equation. As a result, these theories often fall short, because, as we all know, our emotions often override our better judgment.

If I am to lead a healthier, more constructively productive life, make it great, even come close to fulfilling my true potential and to achieve my most cherished and precious goals, I must go to the heart of my problems, and understand them and deal with them. I must reevaluate and rebuild my decision-making foundation and process, and solidly reinforce it with the "internal goods" that will actually allow me to attain my goals and fulfill my dreams, and continue to enjoy them over time. But when do I make the decision to find the root, and dig it up?

"The means by which we can take constructive ownership of our lives lies in how we reach our decisions."-Goleman

Is There a Meaning?

I find it hard to not speak whats on my mind and it only causes me to stress when I don't. I find fault with almost everything I observe because I am very analytical but my questions usually make sense. I question love, world issues, religion and the path to finding myself all the time. But the more answers I get the more questions I come up with. I'm finally starting to see that there are people who want good in the world which feels great but I still question things.

Since I LOVE a good debate and LOVE when people express what they think. I decided I wanted to start openly expressing my thoughts. So with the encouragement of a few people I created this page. I noticed that others are all getting their opinions across in a reasonable manor. So why shouldn't I? Some really think and think outside the box. And I take so much interest In those opinions because it is intriguing to find I'm not the only one who feels a certain way about certain situations or is going through certain experiences.

I was always scared to join the debate team when I was in school because I always thought you had to be really intelligent. Not that I didn't think I was intelligent but I just thought that any opinions I may have had didn't really matter. So I just became a sponge. Now I want to join one really bad. I want to have a voice and I want my voice to be heard.

I have always thought that life should be meaningful. Not necessarily every moment of every day. I mean, how meaningful is it to do laundry? Or to wash your car every Sunday? Nor should life always be serious. Making sure that every little detail of an event goes off without a hitch, or making sure your little collectibles have to be placed a certain way are just a little OC. We all need extremely large doses of just having a good time!

But life has to be more than just pleasure-seeking, partly because the enjoyment doesn't last. It's here for a moment, then gone.

I've been more on a roller coaster...I've been up, been down, stopped,
waited, afraid, anxious, curious, depressed, worried and the list goes on...

Of course, no one knew I was feeling this way or knew how I felt about life -- on the outside I don't show it. Ironically, when I was younger I felt that many of the guys I hung with looked up to me and maybe they wished their lives were more like mine. If that was the case they didn't know how unfulfilled I felt and still do feel.

Even though I criticized some of them and was always looking for reasons to condemn them, there was something about them I couldn't get over...they didn't seem to be missing anything. They seemed to have that real fulfillment I was looking for. They seemed to know the meaning of life.

As my days go by I understand that no one really "knows" the meaning of life we just tend to adapt to the rhythm to fit our own personal needs. Some of those needs may be to control or dominate, or maybe to inspire or enlighten. The point is we spend so much energy on things that look good to others.

Is it only me, or does it seem as though things have just become far more serious and complicated than they used to be?

The world is moving at a very fast pace and it can almost seem as though life is running you rather than you, running life. Time goes by so quickly, and the days and weeks can appear to blend one into the next and before you know it another year has gone by and you’ve only just kept up!

How can it be that with all the technology and advancements that are supposed to ‘save us time’ and make life easier and less stressful, that many of us never seem to have the ‘time’ to stop and go after our goals and dreams, or even to spend real quality time with our friends and with the ones we love?

Think about this for a moment – it makes no sense! We live in a world were virtually everything we had to do manually in the past can now be done by a machine; you would think this would then free us up to spend our time doing the things we like to do and having fun – but does it? When and how did it get so serious?

Generally we seem to work harder and longer hours to stay abreast with the financial demands of surviving in the modern world. Because of this ‘living life’ can take a back seat in order to make room for time spent ‘earning a living’ – take a good look around you; it seems to me that we are all to busy working to be doing any ‘living’!

What, after all, is the point to it all? If our days are filled with work and stress and worry, what room is there for loving, and giving; for laughter and tears, and enjoying the company of others; the exchanging of ideas, and discovery of new things; of achievements and disappointments, successes and failures; the fun and excitement and anticipation of reaching for the sky, and dreaming your dreams and making them a reality.

Where has all that ‘feeling’ and enjoyment of life gone?

Some one told me that as we grow older life must inevitably become more serious, and we must be more careful and not take the risks that one may have taken in one’s youth – that this is “how life is” and how it must be – basically that ‘life changes you’; but is that really the case?

Contrary to some trains of thought having fun does not need to mean ‘being irresponsible’, and to be ‘responsible’ it does not necessarily require that you become ‘serious’.

Do people really change in that way as they grow older, or is it circumstances in life that seem to require a different response and they just stop dreaming their dreams, which then get lost along the way? Which in turn brings unhappiness and unfulfilled dreams.

Could it truly be that you are still the same person – but you have just adapted yourself to ‘fit in’ with the world around you?