Just some food for thought

Insecurity is not a trait limited to women. There are many men who are also insecure, especially if they perceive themselves to be the lesser partner in a relationship. But most often, it seems to be women who are the more insecure of the two.

Insecurity is damaging to a relationship especially when it is totally unjustified. If a woman is insecure and constantly finding fault with you as a result, there will come a point when you will get fed up trying to placate her and prefer being with someone who is more deserving of your affection.

While most of us are insecure about something, be it our looks, intelligence or popularity, we tend to deal with it and get on with our lives. We are aware that we are lacking in a certain department, but also reassure ourselves that we compensate for it in another area. Insecurity becomes a problem when it assumes larger-than-life proportions and verges on paranoia. If you find someone that you really see into, it is worth examining the problem and getting to the root cause of the insecurity, just as any paranoia can be traced to certain deep-rooted fears.
Sometimes a woman becomes insecure due to severe criticism, either from parents or siblings, that she’s too lazy or inefficient or feeling that she is totally lacking in looks for anyone to ever be attracted to her. Or she may have become insecure when a relationship went sour and she got dumped, or found out that her man was cheating on her. They might try to become someone that they feel is "worthy" of everyones attention.

For instance, someone who is life-and-soul of the party may well be that extrovert in order to keep an inner hurt from being discovered. It's a kind of camouflage, and it works like this: "If people don't see the real me, they cannot hurt the real me. If they upset the outer me, that's OK. But they won't because I'm the life and soul of the party." Seems like it is fool proof...but it's not, it ends up hurting a lot worse for a lot longer down the line. On top of the hurt the insecurities cause themselves, the ones around them, especially the one closest, ends up getting hurt also. Sometimes that special person just wants to show how much they love them no matter what, and the insecure one gets upset or defensive and paranoid in unbelief, and may even lash out.

How much does one have to give to show that no shortcoming interferes with real, unjudging, deep, undeniable...Love? What truly has to be done so that one can be truly happy with the affection and attention they deny themselves of? One has to first be happy with themselves, not with who they haven't been or wish they could be but who they are now, the strengths they now possess and lean on them to help build up those weaknesses. To worry about what everyone else has to say about what they feel may not be perfect is a poison that will consume every ounce of energy you have and you will persish an unhappy individual. What kind of life is that?

I may not have loved who I was for years and a lot of decisions were based on that weakness alone but today, today I understand that who I am today is me. No matter who I pretend to be, who I envy, or who I try to be so very badly...I can't escape...me. Today, I love me, I love my struggles not because they are so great or because no one has ever endured anything like them but because through them I have learned more than I would ever have imagined. I learned more about myself and who I really am because I wanted to be so different. But why? I am not so bad when I really understood who it was underneath it all. Have I become a narcissist? nah...just a little more mature.

Don't want to wake up

I don’t claim to have any answers, but I certainly have a lot of questions. I often don’t know where I am going or where I belong, but there is something that calls me there. Do you hear it? Is it love, to hurt, to feel? Are we born into sin or born as Gods? Were we made in error, or not made at all? We are born into something, there is no doubt about that, but what is it exactly?

Is the world a dream that we simply cannot wake from? Are we here to learn something from each other…from God? Are we here to learn to love? Maybe we are the only way that God can feel. Maybe we are lost…Just when I think I know it all, I find that I am overwhelmed to the point where I know nothing at all. It is easy to get caught up in science or faith, but really how great is our perspective with such a limited faculty of understanding?

Do you ever have that nanosecond in the morning when the dream you were having carries into your waking moments and it feels real? If it's a great dream you get that little thrill in your chest and you can feel the surge of energy followed by the crash of disappointment. If it's a nightmare you feel a weight descending upon you that thankfully is removed as soon as awareness of your state creeps in.

I was asked years ago if we were really in a dream and if life was real.
The question has since bothered me night and day because it is one I’ve asked myself. In an attempt to shelter myself from uncertainty, I am guessing that I simply disposed of the question in the back of my head. The catch with that sort of thing is that eventually the question will return, more nagging and burning than ever.

Movies like The Matrix touch upon the subject and music often takes us to a place where we feel dreamy, but still it is difficult to ponder such a thought without becoming very troubled. They say that meditation will teach you that life is a dream of sorts, but one cannot really understand that statement until we reach the mountain top for ourselves. Yes, we all want to get to that mountain top, but what do we do until we get there?
The Enigma
If my current dreams are any indication, were we to really be in a dream world, our imaginary world is most likely a gross misrepresentation of the real world we are missing. Laws that exist here probably do not exist in other worlds, at least not in their entirety.

So, an interesting question based on the dream world hypothesis would be, “is everyone else real?” If they are, then are we all dreaming? If they aren’t, then am I living a hallucination? For me, this is the hardest part about the dream world idea, because if the rest of life was not real, then my family, and friends would disappear when I woke. Now ask yourself this question: If we had positive evidence that life was a dream and no-one else was real, would you be willing to wake up knowing that you would sacrifice everything you had become and those you have/had loved? Would you even be given the choice? Maybe upon knowing we are dreaming we simply, wake up?

I know what you are thinking because I am thinking it too. If meditation and Buddhism/Zen teach us that to climb that mountain we must give up every bit of baggage we carry, then in a way we really do have to give up our current “realities” in order to reach the higher ground. So is that what is stopping us from waking up? Do we purposely stay asleep so that we can continue to live and love our life on Earth? If we have to give up our realities to reach that summit, are we wrong in wanting to just admire the view from below?

I suppose this is where the cycle of death and birth nudge us in the direction we must go, but it sounds like a very difficult journey. I try at times myself, on a journey to reach that peak, but I hesitate to do so without the understanding of love.

So I ask you, is there a place for love at the top?

Maybe sanity is just overrated…

Where you at

Sometimes there are highs, and sometimes there are lows. There are even days when we don't know which way to go. Life is funny how it falls into place, that every situation is given its own name. Why is Love such a hard thing to play? Why do trees cry when you carve out a name. Why do you turn away when you can smile and say hey? These are questions I will ask until answered one day.

But for now I accept, in your heart I am not. Words filled with meaning are things you forgot. Where it went wrong I haven't a clue, somewhere a clear line most surely was drew. You hide something from me, what you say to me you feel, your words you say are truth, but each day, you show whats real.

I try and I try to give you all of me, a dedicated partner, not like someone I know....ya, a donor of three, I grew up without his guidance, advice or any wisdom. Just a boy with many questions, a mother, and two younger siblings.

Throughout my experience I've lived and I've learned, I've lied, cheated and stolen...and ya, I've even been burned. All those situations have made me today. A man who learned that trust between us is supposed to be OK.

A bond between two beings is the way God had us made. Where did that go amongst the human race? Look all around us at the way we behave, deceitful, dishonest, untrustworthy ways. More reason to succeed against all the odds, so happy, carefree and walking with GOD.

I have begun to confide in you since a few yesterdays, what do you do...take my words astray. Searching for comfort, sympathy or attention in any other way. What am I not giving you to make you be this way? or what am I doing wrong that you haven't the courage to say? Beautiful, I'm telling you, I love you more than my words can portray. If you've lost that feeling, you said made you want me to take you away, tell me I'm alone, wishing on a star that doesn't glow, Be honest with me, and tell me where I'm at is not really OUR home.

Decisions

A run away response is one of several responses and strategies available to us when confronted with a stressful situation. I've read that "a fleeting response is likely related to our childhood of having a single parent and maybe an abusive brother."

All my life I have been running, always on the go, whether pursuing something for the sake of achieving or obtaining it, or to divert from something behind me. The thing is I was never abused by my mother or siblings, if anything I was the one picking on them! So to look at why I am almost "programmed" to run from things concerning me, I can't compare them to an abused childhood, because, I simply wasn't abused.

As a matter of fact, my siblings and I were very much loved and taken care of very well, though we didn't have EVERYTHING we may have wanted ($100 pair of Jordan's, Name Brand Jeans or the latest and greatest video game console when it first came out). My mom worked hard for what we had, we had what we needed and we were grateful. I mean if you are to look at my grade school pictures, I was wearing calve high multi-colored tube socks. After a few days of wear, the tops stretched because they were pulled up so high all day and they fell down around my ankles when I moved. Not to mention the shirt with the skateboard in the center surrounded by pretty, manly...pink! Oooh yeah! Well, I do have to admit that pink shirt along with the peach horizontally striped one are probably what landed me Mr. Douglas's girlfriend in 4Th grade. Sorry about that by the way!

As I grew older my "needs" started to change a little bit. I started to feel that I should have more. I questioned why we couldn't have as much as the other kids and families. Just starting to pick up on the different levels of "money making" I didn't understand why we didn't make more money for us. As I see it, this very well could have been the beginning of my problems.

One thing I have noticed is that when someone I know is faced with the problem of a difficult situation, I figure out the best possible solution. Anytime anyone has ever needed any advice or assistance I was there with an opinion that seemed to be ideal. The problem lies in the solutions I come up with for myself. Why do I always seem to choose or formulate the wrong solution...for me? What about this chemical make up has gone wrong?

As I look back I see poisonous decision-making throughout my day. Why am I blind to stay in relationships that are diminishing and emotionally and/or psychologically toxic; smoke cigarettes, even though there is clear evidence that smoking is deadly to myself and to others in the vicinity and, most of all, engage in activities that I, in my Heart-of-Hearts, know are destructive and dangerous to the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of myself and valued others.

Destructive decision-making and self-sabotage are around all of us. For example, is there a more blatant illustration of self-destructive behavior than the Kobe Bryant case? Kobe seemed to have everything going for him. He is a top professional basketball player; he earns millions of dollars a year in salary and more than ten times that in product endorsements; he has a beautiful young wife and a new child; and he was one of the most respected and beloved athletes of our time. For some reason, however, he made a decision that put all this at risk, for what appears to be an hour or so of physical pleasure.

Kobe Bryant is no different from any of us. At times, we all make flawed and self-destructive decisions - especially when our emotions come into play. The difference between Kobe and almost everyone else is that Kobe's destructive decision-making is front and center in the public spotlight, and his humiliation, potential losses, and fall from grace have been, and will be, far more dramatic than most.

When certain personal emotions, emotional weaknesses, needs, and/or temptations are involved or triggered, I seemingly react thoughtlessly and reflexively by making a devastatingly destructive and self-sabotaging decision. Part of the problem is that when I'm faced with important decisions, I often have little or no time to think things through objectively, in order to reach the most constructive short- and long-term decisions.

I have read that the primary key to self-enhancing decision-making is to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared when decisions are required. This is especially true when the situation is triggered by particular emotions, needs, or cravings. Very often, I make bad decisions because I do not prepare myself, in advance, to deal with the possible, or probable, opportunities, issues, temptations, etc., that are likely to come my way.

So another question raises with this knowledge, How do you prepare mentally, emotionally, and psychologically before a decision is to be made? That question brings me to "expect the unexpected".

I have been exposed to many formulas for personal change and growth that rely upon the Band-Aid approach of simply changing my attitude and my facade. In today's world of quick fixes and superficial solutions, these theories can appear very attractive. And they may work - when things are going well. But when crises hit, deep conflicts occur, and tough choices need to be made, these matchstick foundations often fall apart, my positive facades fade or crumble, and I tend to revert back to my old, reflexive, ineffective decision-making process and strategies for dealing with problems...RUN! All of my resolve and resolutions go - as Paul Simon sang - "slip sliding away." I read that the reason is: "Formulas that change only facades basically focus upon changing the symptoms of our problems; they don't deal with and eradicate or alleviate their causes." We can't cure cancer with a spray of Bactine and a nice bandage. Deeper explorations and more intricate procedures and remedies are required.

Additionally, there are many self-help theories that deal exclusively and/or primarily with cerebral/cognitive solutions to behavioral problems. Therefore, they don't sufficiently deal with the all-important emotional aspects of the decision-making equation. As a result, these theories often fall short, because, as we all know, our emotions often override our better judgment.

If I am to lead a healthier, more constructively productive life, make it great, even come close to fulfilling my true potential and to achieve my most cherished and precious goals, I must go to the heart of my problems, and understand them and deal with them. I must reevaluate and rebuild my decision-making foundation and process, and solidly reinforce it with the "internal goods" that will actually allow me to attain my goals and fulfill my dreams, and continue to enjoy them over time. But when do I make the decision to find the root, and dig it up?

"The means by which we can take constructive ownership of our lives lies in how we reach our decisions."-Goleman

Is There a Meaning?

I find it hard to not speak whats on my mind and it only causes me to stress when I don't. I find fault with almost everything I observe because I am very analytical but my questions usually make sense. I question love, world issues, religion and the path to finding myself all the time. But the more answers I get the more questions I come up with. I'm finally starting to see that there are people who want good in the world which feels great but I still question things.

Since I LOVE a good debate and LOVE when people express what they think. I decided I wanted to start openly expressing my thoughts. So with the encouragement of a few people I created this page. I noticed that others are all getting their opinions across in a reasonable manor. So why shouldn't I? Some really think and think outside the box. And I take so much interest In those opinions because it is intriguing to find I'm not the only one who feels a certain way about certain situations or is going through certain experiences.

I was always scared to join the debate team when I was in school because I always thought you had to be really intelligent. Not that I didn't think I was intelligent but I just thought that any opinions I may have had didn't really matter. So I just became a sponge. Now I want to join one really bad. I want to have a voice and I want my voice to be heard.

I have always thought that life should be meaningful. Not necessarily every moment of every day. I mean, how meaningful is it to do laundry? Or to wash your car every Sunday? Nor should life always be serious. Making sure that every little detail of an event goes off without a hitch, or making sure your little collectibles have to be placed a certain way are just a little OC. We all need extremely large doses of just having a good time!

But life has to be more than just pleasure-seeking, partly because the enjoyment doesn't last. It's here for a moment, then gone.

I've been more on a roller coaster...I've been up, been down, stopped,
waited, afraid, anxious, curious, depressed, worried and the list goes on...

Of course, no one knew I was feeling this way or knew how I felt about life -- on the outside I don't show it. Ironically, when I was younger I felt that many of the guys I hung with looked up to me and maybe they wished their lives were more like mine. If that was the case they didn't know how unfulfilled I felt and still do feel.

Even though I criticized some of them and was always looking for reasons to condemn them, there was something about them I couldn't get over...they didn't seem to be missing anything. They seemed to have that real fulfillment I was looking for. They seemed to know the meaning of life.

As my days go by I understand that no one really "knows" the meaning of life we just tend to adapt to the rhythm to fit our own personal needs. Some of those needs may be to control or dominate, or maybe to inspire or enlighten. The point is we spend so much energy on things that look good to others.

Is it only me, or does it seem as though things have just become far more serious and complicated than they used to be?

The world is moving at a very fast pace and it can almost seem as though life is running you rather than you, running life. Time goes by so quickly, and the days and weeks can appear to blend one into the next and before you know it another year has gone by and you’ve only just kept up!

How can it be that with all the technology and advancements that are supposed to ‘save us time’ and make life easier and less stressful, that many of us never seem to have the ‘time’ to stop and go after our goals and dreams, or even to spend real quality time with our friends and with the ones we love?

Think about this for a moment – it makes no sense! We live in a world were virtually everything we had to do manually in the past can now be done by a machine; you would think this would then free us up to spend our time doing the things we like to do and having fun – but does it? When and how did it get so serious?

Generally we seem to work harder and longer hours to stay abreast with the financial demands of surviving in the modern world. Because of this ‘living life’ can take a back seat in order to make room for time spent ‘earning a living’ – take a good look around you; it seems to me that we are all to busy working to be doing any ‘living’!

What, after all, is the point to it all? If our days are filled with work and stress and worry, what room is there for loving, and giving; for laughter and tears, and enjoying the company of others; the exchanging of ideas, and discovery of new things; of achievements and disappointments, successes and failures; the fun and excitement and anticipation of reaching for the sky, and dreaming your dreams and making them a reality.

Where has all that ‘feeling’ and enjoyment of life gone?

Some one told me that as we grow older life must inevitably become more serious, and we must be more careful and not take the risks that one may have taken in one’s youth – that this is “how life is” and how it must be – basically that ‘life changes you’; but is that really the case?

Contrary to some trains of thought having fun does not need to mean ‘being irresponsible’, and to be ‘responsible’ it does not necessarily require that you become ‘serious’.

Do people really change in that way as they grow older, or is it circumstances in life that seem to require a different response and they just stop dreaming their dreams, which then get lost along the way? Which in turn brings unhappiness and unfulfilled dreams.

Could it truly be that you are still the same person – but you have just adapted yourself to ‘fit in’ with the world around you?

Words often forgotten

I'm going to approach this lightly because I know that the argument can not only be rebutted but reversed. So keep in mind that even though it is in a mans perspective I am fully aware of the universal lesson.

I mean it is quite often that women ask without asking. How many times have we heard a woman say “I need some more to drink” or “Theres no toilet paper in the bathroom”? We're supposed to interpret this not only as a request, but as sufficient motivation to do something for her.

The resentment engendered by such statements – requests without the simple decency of requesting – slowly poisons what your trying to build.

”I shouldn't have to ask,” is often the caustic reply of a woman whose unrequested request goes unfulfilled, where if she had simply said ”please”, she could have had anything she wished.

The raw power of a woman saying “please” is enough to make a man travel to the ends of the Earth – or even to the local walmart at 3am - to retrieve cold medicine or feminine products, or a certain type of food she might be craving.

It doesn't need to be accompanied by promises of sexual pleasure. In fact “please” is much more powerful than “I'll make love to you all night long”.

”Please” creates a longing to do the thing asked, whereas “I'll make love to you all night long” creates a longing to ... well ... make love all night long. Of course, if that's what you want, you can combine the two: “Please make love to me all night long,” will probably produce the desired results (assuming you MEAN IT to your husband or lover).

It isn't indecent; it isn't demeaning; it isn't degrading. It's just plain powerful. When I hear my girlfriend say “please” – with that inflection that comes only from a woman – I can't help myself. I want to please her. I want to do as she asks.

Even if the word “please” is the only reward I will ever receive.

Of course, “thank you” or “that was very sweet of you” is kinda nice too.

So, if you want something from a man, try saying “please” – in a nice way – “please get me my purse”, "Would you please get me a glass of juice?". It goes much further. You may not think that it matters too much because after you were asked to say please you said it, but the reality of it is...you didn't say it, it was said for you, you just repeated it.

I can't speak for any other man but I know that I ask with respect when needing something from anyone, especially my girlfriend. If I have failed to say please one hundred percent of the time, I apologize now. It seems like lately I get the "you dare ask me to be inconvenienced" look after requesting something. I would be a real piece of work if I got upset by this and didn't ask for things with respect. You see, I do ask with respect and I don't believe its too much to expect in return. Right?


Having a good relationship requires, amongst other things, that we devote positive attention to one another. Asking for something from the one your in love with and saying please when asking is an example of getting positive attention. When life intervenes, and attention is lacking, one or other person can sometimes start to feel bad, start to miss the other person, start to miss engaging with the other person.

This is not necessarily a sign that the person needs to toughen up and become less vulnerable, it is part of what it means to be human. Those who are happy not to see or talk to their spouse week in, week out may be proud of their psychological independence, but if you have a deep, intimate connection with someone, it is natural to want to engage with that person. Don't you think?

When people feel a lack of engagement, they are unable to express that openly and honestly especially when the one trying to engage feels tuned out. Sometimes it's hard to even admit to yourself that you feel such a lack when you have such strong, deep, rich passion about one you say you love.

And so, we panic. we start throwing damning-sounding labels around, and wondering if we need therapy. we despise our ‘co-dependency’ and deny our human need for attention and engagement with the one we love. Men are most guilty of it.

But because we do need attention, we are drawn, unconsciously, to destructive actions to get that attention. We sulk, snap at the person when he or she is there, and pine when he or she is not. We are less kind, less accommodating, more defensive. We might pick fights. Sort of like when a child feels the need for attention from mommy and daddy. If by trying to get them to play with toys doesn't get the attention they want they will start to get into things that they know they aren't supposed to, thus resulting in attention. Negative attention nonetheless, but no doubt..attention.

None of this is necessarily conscious or intentional, and sometimes, even when those acting in these destructive ways can see that this is what they are doing and want to stop, they are unable to, because there is still a problem to solve – still a lack of engagement.

But just what exactly is the point of being in a relationship if it is only theoretical and in your own mind? A relationship implies a connection between two individuals. If the relationship does not involve engaging with the other person, it is not a relationship you have, it is a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy; but don't confuse that with having a relationship.

Forget the ghastly psychobabble labels; forget the self-deprecation; forget the goal of not needing the other person. Instead, work towards being honest and open about your desire for engagement, without imposing on the one you love. The more you can be open-hearted and honest about your feelings, the easier it will be to meet your need for engagement in the relationship, and the less you will find yourself acting destructively.

Even when saying "please" before asking your partner to listen to you all the way before they interrupt does wonders...most of the time it gets the full attention and understanding that you feel that what needs to be said is important .

My Inner child

"You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things." - The result of my inner child quiz!

Do you remember how carefree you were as a child? Children are typically honest, innocent, and filled with nonjudgmental and unconditional love. They are naturally curious and ask questions; they're mystified by objects and experiences we have chosen to take for granted. I certainly miss that outlook on life and every once in a while, I feel letting a childlike mentality take control is exactly what I need to help me feel refreshed.

The Inner Child is the aspect of each of us that is child-like: full of wonder and innocence, playful, spontaneous, in the moment, delicate, vulnerable, and nonjudgmental.

Some people believe that there is no such thing as a child like personality in each one of us. So then how do you explain the playful banter and the simple schoolyard gestures that most of us "adults" are guilty of? Where does that desire to feel tickled from time to time originate from? My vote goes to the undeniable fact that we all have an inner child.

Just yesterday I sat down for a few minutes before I started dinner and watched my wonderful other half take a short nap. My little boy comes to me holding an action figurine in each hand and says "DADDY!!!....GUYS WANNA FIGHT?" I looked him straight in the eye, smiled and said " OK buddy...let me see your guys and go get all the other guys and we'll fight! So I get up and go out into the living room and start to build this makeshift battle ring for these detailed plastic action figurines to duke it out until one emerges the victor! EXCITING!!!

AS I gather up his trucks, police cars and construction characters and create the audience for these ultimate warriors..I start to feel this light innocent tingling inside and with that all my adult inhibitions slowly going to a place that I didn't feel mattered...I got lost and started to embrace this sort of childlike reservoir from somewhere deep inside myself. It was relieving, almost therapeutical. Then we finally get the battle ground where this Ultimate Fighting Championship will take place all set up. Guys equipped and ready for battle. Ready......fight!

Bam! Pow!! Boom! Bsh Psh arrrgh!...were the noises coming out of my mouth as I brought these characters to life all the while watching the enthusiasm of this precious little boy as he cheers on his favorite guy.. "BAM BAM!! GET EM! GET EM GUY...OHHHH NOOOO!" The more I saw the excitement and happiness on his face the more animated I became..lost in this imaginative tournament. Before I realized it he was in the toy box searching for more warriors a few feet away as I continued to make these silly not even close to noises I would make in a normal conversation.

At that very moment, time was still, like I wasn't in reality, like I was in this made up world where anything goes...and it was OK, that there was no wrong or right or worry. The only emotion to be felt was complete and total happiness. Like a free spirit with no limits. Becoming aware of that feeling was even more powerful. After all the warriors were worn out and we had a champion, I just sat there and giggled at myself because it brought me back to when I used to play with my action figures as a kid and bring them to the fantasy battle grounds of my choice.

Those are the moments that are cherished and remembered and smiled upon. They are also the moments most easily forgotten by the ones who don't recognize an inner child. The ones that feel child like behavior is best left for the young in age. Reality is you have to nurture your inner child. No matter how hard you try, if you deny your Little Boy or Girl the love and acceptance they need to feel validated and safe enough to begin healing, they will no doubt sabotage you in ways you may not even notice. Your Inner Child needs you; you are the only true parent they can trust to be taken care of and nurtured. If abandoned by you, they will have nowhere else to go for help.

Then once lost, how does that define your inner self..how can ones inner self be free when its restrained by denying the child in you?

The Looking Glass..My new language

I am finding it more and more difficult to relate when there is a wall of unresolved grief and pain that surrounds us and prevents us from experiencing togetherness at the level my soul reaches out to. I know my healing is not complete by any means but I have focused on healing many aspects of myself and continue to inner track my hurts, pains and discomforts. I am feeling unfulfilled in what I'm responsible for. I really feel like there is a huge turning point at the soul level within myself. My question is - Do we expect so much change out of someone that it can be concluded that we weren't happy with what we fell in love with in the first place?

We have sometimes been known to feel as if our partners would develop into someone we perceive as being perfect for us over time.
Well, that means that we began the relationship from a place of non acceptance to start with - seeing them as not OK where they were and wanting them to be something else - like always wanting the moment that is to be different. So, how perfect is that? Having this issue is perfect for us, because that is what our soul has chosen to explore in this life?

If we can't see it this way, that is, being in the Now - being at Peace and seeing the perfection in all that is... That may be why we experience distress. If we have not yet developed a high level of being able to accept the moment as the perfection it is, we will be stressed out, discontent, and not at peace within ourselves. It's like putting on "Nothing is OK and it's all WRONG" glasses, and then looking out at the world through them. You know how that feels, right? Like you're standing on quicksand. But what you're really feeling deep inside is that YOU are "wrong" or not OK, and what happens then is that you will project that sense of things "being wrong' onto everything and everyone else. Right?

What would it feel like to put on glasses that saw all the beauty and perfection in the world - that saw the infinite journey we are all on? What would it feel like if you saw with infinite eyes that knew that it's all about taking the wisdom and richness out of every experience, every moment you have, and integrating that knowledge into your being, like squeezing a drop of dew from a plant leaf into your mouth and savoring it. How would THAT feel? And then you move on to the next moment to do the same thing with it.

If you can see life this way, from infinite abundance rather then from lack, from the richness of every moment you are in, no matter what it is, WITHOUT MAKING IT WRONG OR HAVING AN EXPECTATION OF WHAT IT 'SHOULD' BE - then every time you look at your partner, you would see the incredible journey their soul is on - you'd see what they are doing that is purely miraculous as they go about living their life. Even if the journey looks different from your own. Life is made up of an infinite variety of things and moments - and life embraces them all - all of it makes life what it is. Nothing is rejected, true? Life isn't made to just feel or look one way - every one's journey is a unique, amazing thing, with its own timing and choices and connectedness to life.

Right now we are needing our partner to be a certain way to fill up OUR life and give us the feelings and experiences we value and like to feel. It's not up to them to do that. It's up to us to value those things and give them to ourselves. Then we HAVE them, filled up with ourselves and what we love, and no one else has to try to give it to us. We must let go of any part of us that sees ourselves as lacking or not able to feel or experience or have what feels good to us: which means accepting ourselves and what we desire- accepting it as being 100% good and wonderful.

All that we can do is do what feels right to us, and live our own journey with passion and delight and not let anyone else dictate to us what our journey or desires or path "should" be. If we let others do that, chances are that WE do that to others as well - i.e., your partner - wanting them to change, not accepting them, wanting them to be what you are actually wanting YOURSELF to be. If you see them as sorrowful and with dislike, then chances are that is not healed within yourself, and you see it in them and are uncomfortable - wanting them to "GET OUT OF IT!" But, it's your own pain you are uncomfortable with. I was told to "Embrace it. Be patient and kind to yourself. Let it be what it is. Just observe it without judgment, and it will pass, as all things do, in its own time."

If a person is meant to continue on your journey with you, when you make a dramatic change, that person will as well. If they don't, then the flow of life will naturally end your travels together because you won't be vibrating along similar patterns and the roads you both naturally take will separate. Each soul will take the road that matches their vibration. If we put out that intention and thought, that whatever is in the Highest Good is the only thing that can happen - if we don't trust in that process - and focus on our own transformation, it will all be perfect, as it only can be. Right? Right. Don't think you have to force or push the process. Or worry it. Or judge it. All we need to do is allow our own transformation and embrace ourselves and our journey. This doesn't mean only think of yourself, more so how you can be better for the one(s) you want around you. Then we can just enjoy and delight in what we see. It's all about how we choose to view things...

Elucidation..." Mr. Big Words "

When I was younger I never understood that a strong, healthy relationship can be one of the best supports in your life. It can actually improve your life in all aspects, strengthening your health, your mind and your connections with others as well.

However, it can also be one of the greatest drains if the relationship is not working. Someone told me once that its like an investment. The more you put in, the more you get back. Understanding love and what a healthy relationship is takes work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt and change through life as a team.

Everyone’s relationship is unique, But there are some things that good relationships have in common and I'm sure most of us are familiar with what makes a healthy relationship... Staying involved with each other, Getting through conflict and Communicating just to name a few key elements. I have been focused on communication lately...For those of you who know me understand that I don't have a problem talking to anyone about any chosen topic...I believe I am quite assertive and can and will initiate conversation without hesitation.

I've been reading a lot on positive thinking and what is expected out of me in a relationship and also learning how to recognize where I hold my standards to what I want in a partner for life. I've come to realize that I also have to take a look at myself and see if I live up to those standards as well. How can I possibly expect someone to respect me a certain way if I'm not a mirror of what I want? I can say that looking back..I had expected much more than what I gave. Not fair at all.

All of this reading and personal reflection up to this point has embedded a key focus, something I thought I had down. What I am finding out is that I have the capability of communicating to any person on earth in a way where we would both feel comfortable about our topic. What I didn't realize is that you can't expect everyone to have the same ability. With that expectation I sometimes feel I am being shut off when I am trying to discuss something important to my or " our " well being. I expect a rebuttal or an almost immediate response. All that does is create negative energy in the conversation because something gets said that pushes a known button, then the focus is off of the issue and... it snowballs.

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When we stop communicating well, we stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. I was told that as long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing. My confusion lies at, how can you determine whether your partner is willing to understand the importance of communicating or whether they have so much that needs to be fixed within them that it takes the focus off of communication and can't completely express themselves?

Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information.
So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact or leaning forward or away communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, both of us have to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help us understand better what one another is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you insist " No I'm not fine " , while clenching your teeth and looking away, your body is clearly signaling to me you are not. If you give a look that some say "could kill" and then asked what was done wrong and you respond with nothing I'm going to feel like your not being truthful because I understand the look to be associated with " No I'm not fine "
If you have known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, no ones partner is a mind-reader. While I may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. I may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding and anger.

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. However, it takes work on both of our parts to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

If you approach me with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. I read that sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while younger, or it could be years of accumulated resentment reaching a boiling point. It’s alright to have strong convictions about something, but I deserve to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what I need, and compromise when you can.

We both are learning how to respectfully resolve conflict. Still a few kinks here and there but conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep this relationship strong, we both need to feel we’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve with respect and love.
Make sure you are fighting fair. Don’t attack directly but use “I” to communicate how you feel. Don’t drag old arguments into the mix. Keep the focus on the issue at hand. Not flashing things in my face like tit for tat.

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. We won’t always be on the same page.
Don’t take out your problems on me. Life stresses can make us both short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, Wouldn't it seem easier to vent to or with me then to snap?
I know you are going through a lot but try as much as possible to be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always going to take place in any relationship, and it allows us to grow together through both the good times and the bad.

Secret Love (Laeliacattleya)

We all have desires to love and to be loved. We sometimes want to know that we matter to others to a point of confusion. Sometimes we confuse, misunderstand, misrepresent, or are simply misinformed. We may have misconceptions that have been handed down to us generationally for years. Each of us has some hidden love within us that needs to come out to it's intended level.

Society and secular teaching have programmed our thinking from childhood in misguided mannerisms. By the time we ( and yes I am included in "we") are adults we associate lust with love, sex with love, and to flaunt our physical assets in order to obtain love. A push up bra might make your bust size look bigger, but does it increase the love in your life? It will draw you more attention, but it's not going to draw you the attention that you are really looking for (well for some it might be). It's a farce, wouldn't you rather have someone who got to know you for who you are, someone who appreciates you and enjoys you with your clothes on? You know, someone you can have an actual relationship with. One who can hold a conversation without referring to the phat ass or pair of D's sitting on your chest? Those push up bra commercials are actually defrauding you of your self value. You are not defined by your boobs, you are defined by your essence. Secularists have trained both sexes to be concerned with the size of their instruments (and as all us guys know- that is VERY important to us!!), not the size of their love.

Think about this ladies, you are taught to look sexy, be sexy, and show off your sexiness in order to attract a man. What kind of person do you think you are going to attract? What kind of relationship do you think you are going to build by this behavior? If you make a foundation on quicksand it's going to sink. Most people, (who are single), want to be in a relationship, and most of them go about in manners that are prone to error. I can look back at my past and readily admit, I made so many mistakes, but I will also admit that I have learned better. Anyone can choose to change their behaviors and their thought mannerisms through humility.

If you want to change your love life you need to consider the ways you are going about things. Change the way you think and you will drastically change your outcomes. There are people right now that look at their relationships and wonder how they got where they are. They wonder what they saw in this guy, or in this girl? I am a firm believer in "Love is blind", but I have also started to look at the whole picture, and starting to feel that maybe Love isn't blind...Maybe lust is. When you get rid of your lust mate you will find your soul mate. When you cast out the lust that brings you confusion, the hidden love you seek will be able to appear.

When we were children most of us were not taught how to think, we were taught what to think. Even through media today the same remains true, you hear something, you tend to believe it. That's not thinking, that's brainwashing. Look at how commercials attempt to influence our behavior and our actions. Do you know that these people go thru extensive research so that they might be able to manipulate our thinking, influence our choices, and then pick our pocket. Think about it! Catchy little slogans and cute lizards are sticking in our memories.

Many guys have been programmed to believe that love is; L-legs O-open V-very
E-easily...(Yeah I looked that up)! Many women feel that in order to keep a man they must prematurely give themselves away. Lust never satisfies; it only continues discontent. It's a wayward road that remains hollow. I once knew a woman who was a little disgusted with her ex-husband, she referred to him as perverse. She stated this while she was wearing a revealing tank top that showed over half of her assets! There are lots of fish in the ocean, and what you use as a lure will determine your catch! If you want a hollow, self indulging relationship with someone who is only going to desire your "ass-ets"!!, dress accordingly. Just don't complain about it later, your undoing has resulted from your undone attire, and it was your choice.
Dressing in a provocative manner does not bring you the fulfillment you really desire, it only pads the bank accounts of the greedy.

Life and relationships are about our inner position, not about our outward condition. If you stop to look at where you really are, you will know where you really want to get to. People don't grow in their relationships because they don't want to admit where they are, and that much of what they have learned, and become accustomed to is out of sync with the truth. You have to allow the misrepresentations to be stripped away in order to replace them with sound wisdom.

Listen to this hidden love quotation from Dr. Joyce Brothers; “Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” It's not talking about revealing your body, it's talking about being who you are without trying to live up to someone Else's desires or expectations of you. You do not need to put on some illusional self mask or dress down to impress people, quit it! When you do that you set yourself up for disappointment. You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song that only you can hear. What is secret love? It's only what needs to be revealed of you and in you. Secret love is waiting for the real you to show up as only you can do. And that special hidden person that you might be waiting for to come into your life, your true hidden love, will notice the real you, appreciate the real you, when you are being the real you.

something to think about

No strings attached. Test-driving a relationship by sharing responsibilities appears to be the perfect solution. If it works out, great! If not, no harm done. Or so you think. Damage does occur when you choose to live together. Marriage cements love with a commitment. Living together leaves you vulnerable, causing you to doubt the level of your partner’s dedication. I have read that couples who live together before marrying have a higher tendency to divorce. It seems the short-term commitment of living together often equals short-term commitment in marriage. If you’re not ready to get married, do you really think you’re ready to live together?

Think about it: What do you have that is more valuable than what you give to a sexual partner? When people live together, and sleep together, without marriage, they put themselves in a position that makes them very vulnerable. They either hold back on their partner by not giving the full self during sex and in their shared lives together. Or, they feel scared a lot of the time, wondering whether their partner will somehow take advantage of their vulnerability.

No one can simulate self-giving. Half a commitment is no commitment. Two people sharing their lives are likely to have one foot out the door, throughout the relationship. We tend to practice holding back on one another. We rehearse not trusting. The social scientists that gather the data do not have an easy way to measure this kind of dynamic inside the relationship.

Ironically, the uncommitted-sex mentality has proven to underestimate both the value and the power of sexual activity. Lifelong, committed marriages are difficult, no doubt about it. But self-giving loving relationships still have the best chance of making us happy.

Did you know that only 3o percent of couples who live together before they are married actually get married?

Arguing in relationships can be productive, but it can also disrupt your daily activity, dominating your life. I have read that most happily married couples echo one another: healthy communication. Inability to communicate, or repeated miscommunication, destroys the heart of a relationship. It’s true the differences between men and women can make for some difficult — and amusing — situations when it comes to understanding and being understood. Opening the lines of communication, rather than shutting up and writing off your significant other, can bring new life to your relationship.

Men and women have been miscommunicating — or not communicating at all — for well, since pretty much the beginning of time I presume. All too often, relationships break down because someone can't "hear" what his or her significant other is trying to say. And all too often, couples give up on a relationship that could have been a success.

Some of these breakdowns stem from basic gender differences. Most people recognize that men and women are different, and think and function differently. Men are often task-oriented and short on conversation, dealing with problems alone; women are often relationship-oriented and eager to talk, especially for the purpose of dealing with problems. In many cases, this requires a couple to learn another language — the language of their significant other.

Other communication issues develop from personality differences. It is said that "opposites attract," and truly they do but the very characteristics that initially attract a man and woman to each other can often become the very elements that drive them apart down the road. Will we choose to make the most of our differences?

I can't say I speak for all but I do speak for many!

OK i've put quite a bit of thought into this. I catch myself a lot, calling you out when something bothers you...trust me..I know when it does...and part of me (the sick part) just feels like having you explain yourself just so I can give you my opinion..because most of the time the reasons you say it bothers you are not really facts...they are more your own insecurities. Just a few situations that happen time and time again that put you in a state of constant and almost serious depression and guilt about the way you think you look, that really do more damage to yourself because of the strain it puts on the relationship rather than making you feel better due to the reassurance from me:

A word or idea that goes unnoticed. (mainly the word or idea is twisted and turned to what you think it means...though I have to admit I am guilty of it also)

A beautiful and seemingly confident girl who you catch eye me.
Any talk about how sweet, cute, smart, Etc.. one of my ex-gfs or female friends are.
My reminiscing of the fun times I've had with female friends or exes or crushes I once had. ( You do it too! )

Any girl of my type ( or what you think my type would be- and of course, that's solely based upon what media feels "our" types should be) walking past looking good while you feel your wearing some old jeans and throw away shirt or blouse..looking rough .....fun times.

Or how about spending free time looking through photos of past girlfriends or flings..comparing yourself to them and accusing me of that being what I want.
Stop comparing yourself with my past. There's a reason my exes are exes. If I wanted one of them over you....you would be the ex and she would be in my arms here in the present!

If you weren't the one I wanted I wouldn't
Hold doors open for you everywhere we went,
Look at you with those deep eyes every few minutes.
Randomly grab your hand and hold on tightly.
Wipe your tears away when you finally break down about how shitty your day is going then hug you tightly and hold you when I know you need attention and
re-assure you over and over how much you mean to me.

Think of you all day, everyday. Especially when you aren't around.
Talk about you to anyone who will listen. Telling them how happy I am or sometimes how much you hurt me, how beautiful and sexy you are. Even when you aren't around to hear it.

Worry about you constantly. Asking if you are okay when you squirm and have a look of pain on your face from the occasional cramp or stomach ache. Give you a neck rub when I see you rubbing it after sitting at your computer for hours on end. Get you a glass of cold water and advil when you have a bad headache before you go to bed.

I trust you and have nothing to hide so you have access to all of my stuff. I tell you when i'm chatting with a girl (friend or foe, ex or former crush). I tell you what's been said, and if it's on the phone even put her on speaker if I see you are looking rather annoyed.
I always makes sure you are taken care of for work in the morning.. lunch, etc . Even going as far as scolding you if you start down a self-destructive path. I won't hurt you. I won't let anyone else hurt you. And mostly, I won't even let you hurt yourself.

Girl, You don't see that this boy loves you?

Take it in, relish it, own it, and most of all....don't ruin it. Be open with your thoughts and fears. Work things out. Don't throw in the towel based on your own insecurities.


You are the light at the end of my tunnel, my baby, my sweetie, my girl.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, fun, and perfect for me.

Live It. Be It. Love It

Technology...another world?

In the last one hundred years or more, technology has been advancing at an extremely fast pace. The first several decades marked a change in travel and communications..we had the first automobile, radio, film developments. The 50's marked the official end of humanity's "struggle for survival" and the beginning of its quest for a really relaxing afternoon. The first wireless remote, The television is one device that never ceases to amaze. From the comfort of one's couch, a person can be entertained, educated, and informed. It allows people without the necessary means to travel to places they've only dreamt of.

Also, the microwave, no longer do you have to wait to boil or bake..you can just simply "zap it." the 60's had the first industrial robot and unmanned aerial aircraft. The 70's and 80's had first cell phones, no longer does a person have to walk to the corner store in order to place a phone call, they can now place the call from almost anywhere in the world with the cell phone carried on their belt or in their pocket. First invitro fertilization (test tube baby), which is a miracle to some and to others an abomination, and that brings me to the lovely GPS which is only a good thing if your wanting to know where your children are or where those nukes are going that just left the fortress..it is never good for those that aren't where they are supposed to be!!.

It is no longer necessary for a person to deal with traffic and long lines at shopping malls since technology now allows a person to shop from the convenience of their easy chair. Which brings me to mobile technology...it isn't bad enough that we have created these mindless applications to indulge ourselves with all day long (because the good lord knows we don't have anything else to do) but we make it so wherever we are in the world we can access these apps...which multiplies the time spent with our heads in a 6" x 3" (some cases smaller) screen and get lost, oblivious to the world around us. I have found that these applications on Facebook are extremely addicting...I don't believe there is anyone who can disagree...and for those who don't have the apps, they're the smart ones...they know how addicting it is they see the zombie nation. These are but a few examples of the cunning ingenuity of mankind that have allowed this race to progress into the twenty-first century, despite some people's beliefs that technology is making mankind a stronger whole, these and other technological advances are working to turn the human race into lazy introverts who have lost contact with each other and the land in which they live.

Children as young as toddlers are using simple computers, which have been designed as toys to make them both appealing and easy to understand. Through the use of digital technology, children are able to interact with their toys in a way that was impossible in the past, engaging their minds by teaching them, for example, colors and shapes to the sounds of happy giggling or cheerful music . Learning becomes as simple as hugging a toy and as pleasurable as listening to music. Which helps develop the mind, but in turn will keep the interest on a device for most. Instead of spending time outdoors exploring and getting dirty..time is spent in cyberspace or video games.

Now don't get me wrong...I love computers and certain devices that make it more comfortable, but there is a line that is beyond comfort and I think the proper word to use would be ridiculous. When you cant even sit and have a nice evening with your partner without either a status update coming through on the phone or having to check every 5 minutes on your inbox just because you can do it without sitting in front of a computer screen, people, there is a serious problem. When a computer or device becomes more interesting than a living, breathing creature...where does it go from here........

Why does loss hurt us so...?

Losing someone is among the most painful experiences in a person's life. Not only is death difficult to understand, it also brings with it a range of overwhelming emotions. Everyone is affected by it at some point, and each person will deal with grief differently.

If there exists one experience that, throughout history and around the world, binds mankind together, it is death. Death is something we all must face -- no exercise or diet regimen, no meditation techniques, no amount of money can avoid it. It is the great equalizer.

The finality of death, coupled with the uncertainty of an afterlife, results in fear, for many. We see it all around us as we try so hard to stop the aging process.
Death does not end life , But instead opens the door , Or is the door to higher forms of life. The Earth is only a Temporary Abode for Man And Woman as a means of Redemption (Psalms 111: 9)

Why, would be the next question to ask. Why is there an ending?...why should so much hurt be involved?...why should one person watch another hurt as this constant rotation of life ever continues. I will have to admit that I am afraid of death. Not afraid of my own death but of death of loved ones around me. I am afraid to see them go...Would that be selfish to feel like that. to want to make the ones I love say goodbye and hope to see me again and not the other way around? all because Im afraid it will hurt so much...because I know how it feels. It is a constant battle between accepting that there is something bigger than what is tangible and no real purpose at all, well, a purpose to make a difference in an afterlife anyway. I do struggle with it everyday..

I constantly wonder where we go. Is it this far off land that is unreachable to beings that come from earth or any planet with life such as ours? Or is it a parallel world that you cross over into? What I do know...or believe I should say, is that there is a divine entity that is behind this unseen force. Though I have some difficulty with how it is all put together...it all comes down to one huge similarity. A higher power.

Help me out

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not miss the constant bickering, the back and forth , the hair pulling irritation from the one that tells you "I love you"? But in the same sense you look around and you realize how difficult it is to find someone who is nice, compassionate, caring, genuine, and compatible. The last thing you want is a dead end relationship...again. However, being that it is our nature, we desire romance, companionship, and intimacy (with the exception of those freaks out there)....Why is it that "some" (few) people can find true love and happiness..and "some" (many) cant....what's wrong? are they just the lucky ones? is there a trick? or are there a lack of "happy seekers"? are people afraid of commitment? Or do we tend to focus on too many warning signs from the relationship that one is doing wrong that it almost becomes paranoia and we ruin it?

Honestly , I believe that when that feeling comes over you,it is perception ..no, more like a sixth sense..It may not be that something physically is going on, it may very well be that the feeling is deeper than that. So instead of reacting in a manner that could be detrimental to each others feelings like accusing or putting the other down. You look at potential situations. You say...ok if this is how it is currently... I have little ground for any trust to stand on. No matter what the issue is if you don't have a foundation, how can you honestly say to yourself- that's ok, things wont be like that because it just feels right? Who are you kidding...Who am I kidding?

When you have expressed your concern...and you get nothing as to action for a response and not able to reason with the person I think this might be the time to realize that this relationship is not right for you. Isn't true love the kind of thing that puts the object of our love first in all things? If that is true, you should be able to see some willingness to understand and work with you on it if they truly love you. If not...do you realize where you stand?
Are you supposed to make adjustments so it doesn't seem that bad or do you go about your day on YOUR schedule and let things fall as they are? all the while knowing you will be single, again, and have to do it all over.... again.

Why not be happy with you?

I'm fat. I'm too skinny. I'd be happy if I were taller, shorter, had curly hair, straight hair, a smaller nose, bigger muscles, longer legs. Is there something wrong with me?

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

The term physical appearance covers a lot of territory and stereotyping plays a major factor in the equation. Thanks in part to the visual media and advertising blitz's on TV, the Internet, magazines, newspapers and billboards we are overwhelmed with information telling everyone of the ideal weight, sexiest muscular structure,most desirable curves, most attractive hair color, optimal height, preferred eye color and the list of purely physical attributes goes on and on.

Women who are dating are most confident when their physical appearance most closely matches that of the models paraded before them- (which gets both ends of the spectrum) thin Victoria's secret model or the juicy bombshell. Men are most confident when their physical appearance most closely matches that of the latest idealized male form- The chiseled physique

Physique is defined the body with reference to its physical appearance for instance, muscular development. In other words the actual physical appearance of the individuals frame, musculature etc. Many, who feel themselves to be lacking in some physical sense from the perfection seen all the time, try to make up for their perceived lack by wearing certain types, design or color of clothing. Trendy styles are advertised as being capable of changing an individuals physical appearance to better conform to what society has proclaimed to be physically attractive and stereotyping the look in question, making it something all should attain.

Paying attention to how one decorates-dresses, applies scent, makeup, and/or jewelry-one's physique has been culturally important since man first appeared on this planet. Back through historical records there is evidence of this.

Physical appearance is tied into the ideal of taking proper care of yourself, promoting health, longevity not to mention lowering the chances of becoming a high maintenance partner at some point in the future.

These days the media provides a moving force to exercise by promoting the idea that an attractive physique is whole to proper physical appearance adding and stereotyping to that which is deemed sexy and that which is not.

One of the issues we must deal with as we age is the visual perceptions of others as well as our own personal stereotyping. Our society promotes the muscular, tight, firm abs and pecs that are naturally found in younger people. Unfortunately no matter the amount of good living and exercise pursued they tend to degrade somewhat as we age.

Physical appearance that's considered attractive is part of the first impression we all talk about. We form an instant judgment of that person's character and personality, whether correct or incorrect at the initial viewing of a person. Paleness, lack of muscle tone or mass, a 'weak' handshake are all looked down upon when meeting a male for the first time while a firm handshake, physically fit, well muscled, tanned, deep chested man provides a more favorable impression. And stereotyping has so much to do with the perceptions contrived from merely taking in an other's physical characteristics. Does that seem fair?

Women, on the other hand, are often viewed with suspicion if they don't present a charming, feminine, delicate, well-cared picture. Being tanned, exercised,under a certain weight, proper physical measurements - waist, hips and chest - are crucial variables to consider when trying to keep up with the latest criteria for evaluating an other's worth and stereotyping using physical appearance as the sole criteria.

Furthermore if you look at the ends of the spectrum like I mentioned earlier (Victoria's secret model and juicy bombshell) they make healthy relationships a very difficult task. On the male side anyway...I'm sorry but I have to say that you could find a woman that you find extremely attractive (this is worse if you find her and she is your "ideal") and she just does not like herself...she wants bigger breasts or a rounder backside or smaller hips, thicker legs or thinner legs or a more petite frame...and it doesn't matter that you tell her you are totally and completely satisfied with her physical appearance...she doesn't realize that you were attracted to her when you first met her. She is so consumed with what media portrays as "Hot and Sexy" she is totally oblivious to the fact that your more than content.

Men are guilty of it too. we hear our girlfriends oohs and ahhs over the hunky guy on T.V. and we wonder what the crap/ I look nothing like this guy...does she fantasize about him when shes with me...or is lying when she tells me that she likes my body type...and likes the little bit of love handles as opposed to the V-cut ken doll lines? get real for one..but for two we become victim of the same thing and thus a lifelong dedication to the focus on perfection....but for who? the people that have made perfection for the better good of the company's they represent? think about it....we are all criticized and guilty of being a critic from time to time....but what matters most is what is important to you ...what makes you feel good...not what someone else says you have to feel good about.

Man vs Woman MODIFIED

Ok this was sent to me by a loving fan......so i decided to post it....EXPRESSIONS WOMAN USE THAT ARE MISUNDERSTOOD BY THE MALE GENDER...MODIFIED


Nine Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.

3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.)

5. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot', which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on No. 7).

7. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "F-- YOU!"

8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No. 4.

9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "Fine".

Send this link to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Man vs Woman

The psychological differences between men and women are not too obvious. They can also be difficult to describe, especially if you are trying to point out a "lack of" in your partner (I don't recommend that). Yet these differences can influence how we form and maintain relationships.
Recognizing, understanding, discussing as well as acting skillfully in light of the differences between the two of us can be difficult. Our failure to recognize and appreciate these differences can become a life long source of disappointment, frustration, tension and eventually our downfall in a relationship.

Problems arise when we expect or assume the opposite sex should think, feel or act the way we do. It’s not that we live in completely different realities. Really, it's our lack of knowledge and mutual experience that gives rise to our difficulties.

The challenge facing us is to become aware of our identities, to accept our differences, and to live our lives fully and as skillfully as possible. To do this we must first understand in what ways we are different. We must avoid trying to change others to suit our needs.

While men and women can reach similar conclusions and make similar decisions, the process we use can be quit different and in some cases can lead to entirely different outcomes. In general, men and women consider and process information differently.

Women tend to be intuitive multi-thinkers/taskers. They come to understand and consider problems all at once. They will take a broad or "collective" perspective, and view elements in a task or problem from all angles. Sometimes may even have difficulty separating their personal experience from problems. Yes.....You are emotional, We know. :)

Men tend to focus on one problem at a time or a limited number of problems at a time. We have an enhanced ability to separate ourselves from problems and minimize the complexity that may exist. We come to understand and consider problems one piece at a time. We take a one dimension perspective, and sometimes may work through a problem repeatedly, talking about the same thing over and over, rather than trying to fix the the problem all at once.

While there are differences in the ways that we think,
we must avoid taking our differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever possible. The idea that one gender can think and feel like the other if they truly loved each is rather absurd. Sure, a man or women could act in consideration of the other’s needs, but this would not necessarily be rewarding and honest. Holding the benefit of another above our own is rewarding. But from time to time, and more often for most of us, it is important to be our self and to be accepted, and not to be the source of distress and disappointment in the lives of people we love.

Even our communication is on a different playing field. Take note to these 5 simple but useful expressions coming from a woman....it may just help you out one day. I'm still learning....I have a lot of trial and error....and like most men I praise the successful trials and I laugh off the errors...which has proven to not be the best solution to my mistakes. So if you are wrong or are told your wrong (even if your aren't) DON"T LAUGH!


"FINE": This is the word she'll use to end an argument when she feel she is right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a she looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you pay attention to her again, so it's usually an even trade.

"NOTHING": This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling she has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a her getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

When it's so hard

It seems counterintuitive, but when you're mad at someone you care for, the best way to deal with your anger is to talk about it. All too often, I don't feel like speaking to the person who has irritated me, no matter who it is. But clamming up or inappropriately venting only causes more ill feelings.

Sharing your anger with the person you're mad at can actually be a bonding experience. The idea here is to calm yourself down long enough so that you can actually articulate what's going on for you. Perhaps you felt slighted, ignored, or just plain offended. Whatever the reason, not putting your feelings on the table will only lead to more of the same.

The challenge here is to move through your pain to a place of mutual healing and respect. Making up is far sexier than making each other wrong. Once you say what you need to say and feel heard by the other, you have created the opportunity for love to fill the hole in your heart.

Maybe we just do it wrong...maybe the anger and irritation are intensified by the criticism or the "need to change" approach. Maybe what needs to be done instead of the constant criticism is praise and acknowledgement of the strengths. Both perceptions or opinions should be analyzed not criticized. So it would be fair to say that both partners are usually guilty of this lack of understanding. I know I am.

It gets better and better

Expecting negative events means you are never disappointed. Being suspicious about the motives of others won't leave you gasping when you are tricked.

Attributions are the reasons or explanations that we attach to things. If we see the dog standing by the front door with the leash in its mouth we assume it wants to go for a walk. If we find a book in our significant others desk or dresser that instructs you how to get that man/woman you've always had your eye on....we assume that he/she is going to be unfaithful.

It's just the way we are built, it will probably happen again and there's no changing it.

The type of attributions I make about my partner's behavior will have an important affect on whether I can get over what they've done, or not. It will also affect whether I can save the relationship - thats if I want to do that. Even if I don't want to save the relationship, adopting the wrong attributional style could have serious consequences for my sanity.

The reason attributions are important is that they're directly related to whether or not we can forgive. On the other hand, if you think there's no changing your partner then there's less chance of forgiving them.

Accessing our own higher mental processes is often difficult. Some of us have found it easy to manipulate the reasons we give for decisions, judgements or actions. Worse than this, even when we're not actively being manipulated, we regularly fool ourselves without the need of any encouragement.

Many of our actions, thoughts and feelings are probably motivated by things that happened a long time ago. The problem is that over time we easily forget. Even things that only happened recently may also pass quickly out of conscious thought, and so we don't consider them. Sometimes the mechanics of our thoughts are just plain weird.

Sometimes great effects are produced by tiny causes. Think of the metaphor used to explain Chaos Theory about the butterfly flapping its wings over China causing a huge storm in another part of the world.

Intuitively these sorts of explanations don't appeal to you or me. Great effects should have great causes. Because of this we're likely to miss the connection between cause and effect when there is a mismatch in size.

Knowing about each of these biases is more than interesting, it is genuinely helpful in everyday life. It is sometimes easy to form the impression that we know the reasons for the things we do and think. Continually feeding this misapprehension is our need to feel in control of ourselves...and sometimes others

A change of pace

This is a story... a boys life of cloudy filled days. Now sees his hand out in front of his face. He's sees his path where his footsteps belong and can look back on footprints he's already left along,
only now does he see the other set walking on, though, he does not know to whom they belong...
He does know now that he is not alone

He wants to know who will be there when it's all done...should he not worry and just let wisdom pass on?
Furthermore he asks, if it happens for a reason, why do we feel confident about certain situations? The hopes and dreams, are you as well, growing impatient?

Maybe thats the gift that life in itself gives, for each to have goals just out past the limbs. We all try to cheat just to believe. Some don't know it ( or admit he wants to say) Some do, but understand they live to fight another day. For him, his question is different. Why cant he just have his own way? Is it a test or is it just hopeless? He answers himself... Knowledge has it's purpose

One man sees what the other doesn't believe, that same man believes what the other doesnt see. He will become anything his mind can conceive...such a powerful thinker... still stuck in a dream? an intuitive master... what a beautiful being.

From the Heart

I've been wondering why do people accuse other people of being crazy? Yes, I am guilty of it also. It just confuses me because who is a man to say whether or not another man is "normal" ? What is normal anyway? A perception someone has of one being right? Or even a group (society) of people who try to act like each other to feel good about themselves.

I'm not like anyone, I don't dress like anyone, I don't have a common "swag" , some of my experiences may be similar to others, but I think that if the majority of people shared some of my views ( which is not to say I'm right or wrong) I think there would be a vast amount of compassion and sincerity and I feel one's ability to endure would expand. In short, more love.

I've hurt a lot of people along my journey understanding love but it has helped me. It sounds selfish but maybe that is what I truly needed to go through to understand what not to be and become who I am today.

I've realized the love I have today is for the ones really there to help me along my way. I cannot begin to describe what the feeling is like, because it is a greater feeling then I'll probably ever know again. I have been looking this whole time for someone to lift my spirits not knowing they have been there for me my whole life. All I've really been looking for is someone to experience new things through life with. I'll always have love, I want companionship. The trouble is I don't think true companionship is plentiful in this day an age. Negativity, lust and greed occupy the minds of most and leave little room for true dedication to another persons heart.

As my patience grows short, my mind gets clearer I see more and more of today and tomorrow. I begin to separate emotions from thought. I had a discussion today about faith and the only thing concluded from it was that so many people are close minded and seem to have no room for others opinion, They're right and I'm wrong! I'm learning to accept that a lot of individuals are set in their beliefs and if I just pay attention to what I believe in maybe I'll enjoy a lot more. Stop worrying about what people think except to protect me and my loved ones well being.

Once again, organize thoughts and feelings and I WILL accomplish what I don't know is ahead of me! Be who I am and what I know I can be!
I want to fill up my slot with a lot of experience to pass on!

Happiness

Reality is in fact neither good nor bad, it is a very plastic inkblot sort of thing that can be bent and twisted in many directions depending on your beliefs.
What’s that you say?
Well, that's a complicated question and it gets into the meaning of life, but suffice it to say that what is really going on is so strange, so complex, and so far beyond our everyday understanding, that it bears no relationship to what you think of as "reality," "truth," or "reason." Good and bad, happy and sad, these are notions that you are imposing on the world around you. . The answer to unhappiness is both liberating and infuriating, but here it is.
Happiness doesn't depend on anything that has or has not happened in the past, nor does it depend on your future prospects. (Thank God, huh?)
The simple fact is, in order to be happy: You must decide to be happy. Isn't that aggravating? You can't blame it on anyone else, and no one else can do a thing for you. You've just got to decide to be happy, whether or not your logical mind thinks it is rational to be happy and whether or not your moral sense thinks you deserve to be happy.

You absolutely will not be happy for any length of time until you decide to, and if you decide to, you can be happy in the face of the most miserable circumstances.
Think of someone you know that seems pretty happy about life. How would you describe their attitude? Are they kidding themselves? Are they ignoring the ugly truth about life that's right in front of their eyes and pretending that some happy fantasy world that exists only in their head is real? Well, guess what. That is exactly how every happy person in the world acts. And the really strange thing is that it's OK.
The reason that you are unhappy is that you have constructed a fantasy world just as complete and just as removed from the "facts" as the haughty imaginings that you so despise in those happy people.

People tell their children (with words and actions) that they are no-good, worthless, useless drains on their parents' happiness, pocketbooks, and patience. Given this scenario, you get a lot of adults who became convinced as children that they were just no good, and they helpfully pass this attitude on to their children. Lovely predicament, huh?

Well, thankfully, they were wrong. Let's take useless first, it's easier. You cannot be classified as useless, because you aren't really supposed to have to make yourself useful. Look at the natural world. What is the use of a tree? Well, it has many uses, but it isn't TRYING to be useful. There's the difference. It's just doing what it wants (or so we assume) and in the process of doing that it does its job in the natural order of things. Despite all the rantings of moralists, we are all in the same boat. The only way you are ever going to do an ounce of good in the world is to do what you want. Do what makes you happy, or at least what distracts you from your misery.

How, you may ask, does doing what you like do any good? Look around you. Look at people who seem to be trying very hard to be useful. Are they really doing good things for people? Or do they make everyone around them miserable with all their haughty and incessant busy bodying? I suspect it is the latter. The people who really do others some good are the people who are doing what they like and who aren't very interested in being useful. They are usually interesting to be around, because they are doing things that interest them. They are often fun to be around, because they appreciate fun and know how to laugh and not take anything too seriously. They inspire other people to figure out what it is that they want to do by example, thus causing more people to be interested in life and interesting to be around, fun loving, etc.

Out of all the people we meet in life, those who do their own thing are the people who have the most profoundly positive impact on us, who make our lives richer in the most fundamental, meaningful way. Can you really call that useless?
Sure, working in a soup kitchen will feed people, but if you're being a martyr about it because you don't really want to be there, everyone around you will see right through you and hate you for being moralistic and insincere. You will end up doing more harm than good. So, revel in your perfect uselessness. It's the useful thing to do. What if everyone in the world just did what they wanted? If you can overcome the stigma of uselessness, you are halfway to getting over worthlessness. Because worthlessness is often just the moral judgment you place on yourself when you think you are useless. However, worthlessness goes deeper. Worthlessness implies that you don't even have a right to be here.

You see, there are really only two moral beliefs about people, either people are basically good, or they are basically bad. Ninety-nine percent of the world's population believes that people are basically bad, and that's a problem. If it's true that people are basically bad, then there is no hope for us; democracy is obviously doomed, and a benevolent monarchy is impossible because no basically bad person could stay benevolent once they had all that power.
Are people basically bad? Let's look at the facts. Once again, look at the people around you. Once you get to know them, you realize that:

Everyone on the planet is in exactly the same state of moral worth because we are all doing the best we can with what we have.
Poor upbringings cause many people to not have much to do their best with, but hey, that's life.
Criminals believe they are powerless, so breaking the social contract is the only way they think they can get what they need and manage to feel somewhat powerful.
People without that hang-up can see that cooperation and respect are really how things get accomplished, but both of these types of people are simply trying to live a fulfilling life using the methods that they think have the best chance of working. So you see, people are basically good. They are all trying to do their best.
They often just need some help overcoming inner demons and behavior patterns that aren't really working for them.

Obviously, we are all in the same boat. You are doing the best you can with what you have. You are already living the most moral and correct life you know how to live. There is nothing more you can do at this moment to be a better person. You are already a good person. You do not have to strive every moment to be better than it is possible for you to be. Smile at yourself. We're OK.

Now, it should be clear that you can improve. Not by beating yourself over the head for bad things you've done; those things couldn't be helped. You were just doing your best with what you had. What you can do is learn where your blind spots are. Watch others. People who at first glance are just plain old bad people are on further investigation suffering from horrendous misconceptions about how the world works. You also have misconceptions about the best way to get what you want.

Rules? What rules?

I realize I have a problem trying to get around or bend rules to make my life comfortable.

This is a habit.

A habit is defined in the dictionary as being a characteristic conditioning of mind or body, an act that is acquired and has become automatic. Certaintly, it would then follow that a condition of the mind could either be positive or negative in nature, depending upon the characteristic of the habit. Because I have formed a series of bad habits — habits that take away from the success I desire — in order to break the habit, I must replace it with a new one.

Every day I am faced with new activities and circumstances. Once a choice is made pertaining to new activities or circumstances, I file the information gathered regarding the choice process into my brain. When confronted by a similiar situation at a future date, I am faced with another choice — take the course of action used before or use a new one. I must learn to recognize whether the previous action was beneficial or whether, perhaps, a new course would be better.
When a solution has been used three or four times, the process has become conditioned and a habit has been formed.

I am where I am and I am what I am because I react to circumstances with habits that have been proven to be not the best solutions to my problems. I must be willing to discard a habit which does not contribute to my achieving success and replace it with one that does.

I must learn to recognize that in order to change my circumstance I must change my habits.

First, I have to look at my attitude. My attitude becomes a habit of acting, feeling or thinking which reflects my disposition or opinions. Acting or reacting about a topic is the result of my thinking process (the way I think about a certain situation). An attitude then must be a mental habit.
I form attitudes which have governed my life for so long.

Many of which that become part of my make up are not healthy, they do not contribute to my well being and should be changed. If attitude is a mental habit then it is a product of my brain. My brain is the only thing that I can control alone. So I am the only one that can control my attitude.

Changing my attitude is not easy but it can be done. It requires a want to change, a want that has taken 27 years to realize certain attitudes need to change.
To change them, I am trying to understand why I want those certain attitudes changed. One attitude inherent to me that I have recognized and is resistent to change is my "dont rock the boat" attitude.

This is caused by the fact that I fear the unknown and although things could be better, at least I know where I am now. I often fear entering into a situation that is unknown or unfamiliar. Then I resist any change because I do not have sufficient information to initiate change.

We are capable and intelligent beings, not simply creatures governed by conditioned reflex and instinct. I must strive to change unhealthy habits or negative attitudes, shut off the current and break through the wire fence of habits, attitudes and conditioning which prevent me from being more successful.

I have learned that when I try to do something I have never done before, no matter how it turns out, I am making progress. If I try and fail I have learned one of two things, either it cannot be done that way or with more effort and another approach it can be achieved.

I cannot let fear of making mistakes stop me from acting, for it is only through acting that I learn to achieve. I often complain of my circumstances and conditions and yet there is an abundance of material surrounding me that could be had for the taking if I just used my imagination and talent to better my conditions.
There are three kinds of people in this world.
The Doers: People who cause things to happen.
The Observers: People who watch the progress of others.
The Uninterested: People who aren’t even aware of what is really going on.
WHO ARE YOU?

Hardships and setbacks are often a source of opportunity if acted upon. In my experience, I see that when I act I will encounter many setbacks in life but if I react upon those setbacks they would prove to be an asset, as opposed to a liability. It requires no more effort to aim high than it does to aim low.
First, I expect that it is natural to be upset, angry, depressed or guilty.
WRONG!!!
Who says I can’t be happy?
On whose authority is such a premise made?
My life won’t be spent depressed and miserable anymore.
I was conditioned to believe that making changes to my personality and behavior patterns is a complicated, if not impossible, task. It is not hard, not difficult, not complicated to change my behavior.

I must cast aside any silly notion to the contrary. I was convinced that changing myself to be more successful and a happier individual will require not only a lot more effort but a long time as well.
Not true.
That habit can and will be broken — NOW.
All that is required is a firm persistent commitment to change. It is the external factors which surround me that make me what I am today.