something to think about

No strings attached. Test-driving a relationship by sharing responsibilities appears to be the perfect solution. If it works out, great! If not, no harm done. Or so you think. Damage does occur when you choose to live together. Marriage cements love with a commitment. Living together leaves you vulnerable, causing you to doubt the level of your partner’s dedication. I have read that couples who live together before marrying have a higher tendency to divorce. It seems the short-term commitment of living together often equals short-term commitment in marriage. If you’re not ready to get married, do you really think you’re ready to live together?

Think about it: What do you have that is more valuable than what you give to a sexual partner? When people live together, and sleep together, without marriage, they put themselves in a position that makes them very vulnerable. They either hold back on their partner by not giving the full self during sex and in their shared lives together. Or, they feel scared a lot of the time, wondering whether their partner will somehow take advantage of their vulnerability.

No one can simulate self-giving. Half a commitment is no commitment. Two people sharing their lives are likely to have one foot out the door, throughout the relationship. We tend to practice holding back on one another. We rehearse not trusting. The social scientists that gather the data do not have an easy way to measure this kind of dynamic inside the relationship.

Ironically, the uncommitted-sex mentality has proven to underestimate both the value and the power of sexual activity. Lifelong, committed marriages are difficult, no doubt about it. But self-giving loving relationships still have the best chance of making us happy.

Did you know that only 3o percent of couples who live together before they are married actually get married?

Arguing in relationships can be productive, but it can also disrupt your daily activity, dominating your life. I have read that most happily married couples echo one another: healthy communication. Inability to communicate, or repeated miscommunication, destroys the heart of a relationship. It’s true the differences between men and women can make for some difficult — and amusing — situations when it comes to understanding and being understood. Opening the lines of communication, rather than shutting up and writing off your significant other, can bring new life to your relationship.

Men and women have been miscommunicating — or not communicating at all — for well, since pretty much the beginning of time I presume. All too often, relationships break down because someone can't "hear" what his or her significant other is trying to say. And all too often, couples give up on a relationship that could have been a success.

Some of these breakdowns stem from basic gender differences. Most people recognize that men and women are different, and think and function differently. Men are often task-oriented and short on conversation, dealing with problems alone; women are often relationship-oriented and eager to talk, especially for the purpose of dealing with problems. In many cases, this requires a couple to learn another language — the language of their significant other.

Other communication issues develop from personality differences. It is said that "opposites attract," and truly they do but the very characteristics that initially attract a man and woman to each other can often become the very elements that drive them apart down the road. Will we choose to make the most of our differences?