Where you at

Sometimes there are highs, and sometimes there are lows. There are even days when we don't know which way to go. Life is funny how it falls into place, that every situation is given its own name. Why is Love such a hard thing to play? Why do trees cry when you carve out a name. Why do you turn away when you can smile and say hey? These are questions I will ask until answered one day.

But for now I accept, in your heart I am not. Words filled with meaning are things you forgot. Where it went wrong I haven't a clue, somewhere a clear line most surely was drew. You hide something from me, what you say to me you feel, your words you say are truth, but each day, you show whats real.

I try and I try to give you all of me, a dedicated partner, not like someone I know....ya, a donor of three, I grew up without his guidance, advice or any wisdom. Just a boy with many questions, a mother, and two younger siblings.

Throughout my experience I've lived and I've learned, I've lied, cheated and stolen...and ya, I've even been burned. All those situations have made me today. A man who learned that trust between us is supposed to be OK.

A bond between two beings is the way God had us made. Where did that go amongst the human race? Look all around us at the way we behave, deceitful, dishonest, untrustworthy ways. More reason to succeed against all the odds, so happy, carefree and walking with GOD.

I have begun to confide in you since a few yesterdays, what do you do...take my words astray. Searching for comfort, sympathy or attention in any other way. What am I not giving you to make you be this way? or what am I doing wrong that you haven't the courage to say? Beautiful, I'm telling you, I love you more than my words can portray. If you've lost that feeling, you said made you want me to take you away, tell me I'm alone, wishing on a star that doesn't glow, Be honest with me, and tell me where I'm at is not really OUR home.

Decisions

A run away response is one of several responses and strategies available to us when confronted with a stressful situation. I've read that "a fleeting response is likely related to our childhood of having a single parent and maybe an abusive brother."

All my life I have been running, always on the go, whether pursuing something for the sake of achieving or obtaining it, or to divert from something behind me. The thing is I was never abused by my mother or siblings, if anything I was the one picking on them! So to look at why I am almost "programmed" to run from things concerning me, I can't compare them to an abused childhood, because, I simply wasn't abused.

As a matter of fact, my siblings and I were very much loved and taken care of very well, though we didn't have EVERYTHING we may have wanted ($100 pair of Jordan's, Name Brand Jeans or the latest and greatest video game console when it first came out). My mom worked hard for what we had, we had what we needed and we were grateful. I mean if you are to look at my grade school pictures, I was wearing calve high multi-colored tube socks. After a few days of wear, the tops stretched because they were pulled up so high all day and they fell down around my ankles when I moved. Not to mention the shirt with the skateboard in the center surrounded by pretty, manly...pink! Oooh yeah! Well, I do have to admit that pink shirt along with the peach horizontally striped one are probably what landed me Mr. Douglas's girlfriend in 4Th grade. Sorry about that by the way!

As I grew older my "needs" started to change a little bit. I started to feel that I should have more. I questioned why we couldn't have as much as the other kids and families. Just starting to pick up on the different levels of "money making" I didn't understand why we didn't make more money for us. As I see it, this very well could have been the beginning of my problems.

One thing I have noticed is that when someone I know is faced with the problem of a difficult situation, I figure out the best possible solution. Anytime anyone has ever needed any advice or assistance I was there with an opinion that seemed to be ideal. The problem lies in the solutions I come up with for myself. Why do I always seem to choose or formulate the wrong solution...for me? What about this chemical make up has gone wrong?

As I look back I see poisonous decision-making throughout my day. Why am I blind to stay in relationships that are diminishing and emotionally and/or psychologically toxic; smoke cigarettes, even though there is clear evidence that smoking is deadly to myself and to others in the vicinity and, most of all, engage in activities that I, in my Heart-of-Hearts, know are destructive and dangerous to the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of myself and valued others.

Destructive decision-making and self-sabotage are around all of us. For example, is there a more blatant illustration of self-destructive behavior than the Kobe Bryant case? Kobe seemed to have everything going for him. He is a top professional basketball player; he earns millions of dollars a year in salary and more than ten times that in product endorsements; he has a beautiful young wife and a new child; and he was one of the most respected and beloved athletes of our time. For some reason, however, he made a decision that put all this at risk, for what appears to be an hour or so of physical pleasure.

Kobe Bryant is no different from any of us. At times, we all make flawed and self-destructive decisions - especially when our emotions come into play. The difference between Kobe and almost everyone else is that Kobe's destructive decision-making is front and center in the public spotlight, and his humiliation, potential losses, and fall from grace have been, and will be, far more dramatic than most.

When certain personal emotions, emotional weaknesses, needs, and/or temptations are involved or triggered, I seemingly react thoughtlessly and reflexively by making a devastatingly destructive and self-sabotaging decision. Part of the problem is that when I'm faced with important decisions, I often have little or no time to think things through objectively, in order to reach the most constructive short- and long-term decisions.

I have read that the primary key to self-enhancing decision-making is to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared when decisions are required. This is especially true when the situation is triggered by particular emotions, needs, or cravings. Very often, I make bad decisions because I do not prepare myself, in advance, to deal with the possible, or probable, opportunities, issues, temptations, etc., that are likely to come my way.

So another question raises with this knowledge, How do you prepare mentally, emotionally, and psychologically before a decision is to be made? That question brings me to "expect the unexpected".

I have been exposed to many formulas for personal change and growth that rely upon the Band-Aid approach of simply changing my attitude and my facade. In today's world of quick fixes and superficial solutions, these theories can appear very attractive. And they may work - when things are going well. But when crises hit, deep conflicts occur, and tough choices need to be made, these matchstick foundations often fall apart, my positive facades fade or crumble, and I tend to revert back to my old, reflexive, ineffective decision-making process and strategies for dealing with problems...RUN! All of my resolve and resolutions go - as Paul Simon sang - "slip sliding away." I read that the reason is: "Formulas that change only facades basically focus upon changing the symptoms of our problems; they don't deal with and eradicate or alleviate their causes." We can't cure cancer with a spray of Bactine and a nice bandage. Deeper explorations and more intricate procedures and remedies are required.

Additionally, there are many self-help theories that deal exclusively and/or primarily with cerebral/cognitive solutions to behavioral problems. Therefore, they don't sufficiently deal with the all-important emotional aspects of the decision-making equation. As a result, these theories often fall short, because, as we all know, our emotions often override our better judgment.

If I am to lead a healthier, more constructively productive life, make it great, even come close to fulfilling my true potential and to achieve my most cherished and precious goals, I must go to the heart of my problems, and understand them and deal with them. I must reevaluate and rebuild my decision-making foundation and process, and solidly reinforce it with the "internal goods" that will actually allow me to attain my goals and fulfill my dreams, and continue to enjoy them over time. But when do I make the decision to find the root, and dig it up?

"The means by which we can take constructive ownership of our lives lies in how we reach our decisions."-Goleman

Is There a Meaning?

I find it hard to not speak whats on my mind and it only causes me to stress when I don't. I find fault with almost everything I observe because I am very analytical but my questions usually make sense. I question love, world issues, religion and the path to finding myself all the time. But the more answers I get the more questions I come up with. I'm finally starting to see that there are people who want good in the world which feels great but I still question things.

Since I LOVE a good debate and LOVE when people express what they think. I decided I wanted to start openly expressing my thoughts. So with the encouragement of a few people I created this page. I noticed that others are all getting their opinions across in a reasonable manor. So why shouldn't I? Some really think and think outside the box. And I take so much interest In those opinions because it is intriguing to find I'm not the only one who feels a certain way about certain situations or is going through certain experiences.

I was always scared to join the debate team when I was in school because I always thought you had to be really intelligent. Not that I didn't think I was intelligent but I just thought that any opinions I may have had didn't really matter. So I just became a sponge. Now I want to join one really bad. I want to have a voice and I want my voice to be heard.

I have always thought that life should be meaningful. Not necessarily every moment of every day. I mean, how meaningful is it to do laundry? Or to wash your car every Sunday? Nor should life always be serious. Making sure that every little detail of an event goes off without a hitch, or making sure your little collectibles have to be placed a certain way are just a little OC. We all need extremely large doses of just having a good time!

But life has to be more than just pleasure-seeking, partly because the enjoyment doesn't last. It's here for a moment, then gone.

I've been more on a roller coaster...I've been up, been down, stopped,
waited, afraid, anxious, curious, depressed, worried and the list goes on...

Of course, no one knew I was feeling this way or knew how I felt about life -- on the outside I don't show it. Ironically, when I was younger I felt that many of the guys I hung with looked up to me and maybe they wished their lives were more like mine. If that was the case they didn't know how unfulfilled I felt and still do feel.

Even though I criticized some of them and was always looking for reasons to condemn them, there was something about them I couldn't get over...they didn't seem to be missing anything. They seemed to have that real fulfillment I was looking for. They seemed to know the meaning of life.

As my days go by I understand that no one really "knows" the meaning of life we just tend to adapt to the rhythm to fit our own personal needs. Some of those needs may be to control or dominate, or maybe to inspire or enlighten. The point is we spend so much energy on things that look good to others.

Is it only me, or does it seem as though things have just become far more serious and complicated than they used to be?

The world is moving at a very fast pace and it can almost seem as though life is running you rather than you, running life. Time goes by so quickly, and the days and weeks can appear to blend one into the next and before you know it another year has gone by and you’ve only just kept up!

How can it be that with all the technology and advancements that are supposed to ‘save us time’ and make life easier and less stressful, that many of us never seem to have the ‘time’ to stop and go after our goals and dreams, or even to spend real quality time with our friends and with the ones we love?

Think about this for a moment – it makes no sense! We live in a world were virtually everything we had to do manually in the past can now be done by a machine; you would think this would then free us up to spend our time doing the things we like to do and having fun – but does it? When and how did it get so serious?

Generally we seem to work harder and longer hours to stay abreast with the financial demands of surviving in the modern world. Because of this ‘living life’ can take a back seat in order to make room for time spent ‘earning a living’ – take a good look around you; it seems to me that we are all to busy working to be doing any ‘living’!

What, after all, is the point to it all? If our days are filled with work and stress and worry, what room is there for loving, and giving; for laughter and tears, and enjoying the company of others; the exchanging of ideas, and discovery of new things; of achievements and disappointments, successes and failures; the fun and excitement and anticipation of reaching for the sky, and dreaming your dreams and making them a reality.

Where has all that ‘feeling’ and enjoyment of life gone?

Some one told me that as we grow older life must inevitably become more serious, and we must be more careful and not take the risks that one may have taken in one’s youth – that this is “how life is” and how it must be – basically that ‘life changes you’; but is that really the case?

Contrary to some trains of thought having fun does not need to mean ‘being irresponsible’, and to be ‘responsible’ it does not necessarily require that you become ‘serious’.

Do people really change in that way as they grow older, or is it circumstances in life that seem to require a different response and they just stop dreaming their dreams, which then get lost along the way? Which in turn brings unhappiness and unfulfilled dreams.

Could it truly be that you are still the same person – but you have just adapted yourself to ‘fit in’ with the world around you?

Words often forgotten

I'm going to approach this lightly because I know that the argument can not only be rebutted but reversed. So keep in mind that even though it is in a mans perspective I am fully aware of the universal lesson.

I mean it is quite often that women ask without asking. How many times have we heard a woman say “I need some more to drink” or “Theres no toilet paper in the bathroom”? We're supposed to interpret this not only as a request, but as sufficient motivation to do something for her.

The resentment engendered by such statements – requests without the simple decency of requesting – slowly poisons what your trying to build.

”I shouldn't have to ask,” is often the caustic reply of a woman whose unrequested request goes unfulfilled, where if she had simply said ”please”, she could have had anything she wished.

The raw power of a woman saying “please” is enough to make a man travel to the ends of the Earth – or even to the local walmart at 3am - to retrieve cold medicine or feminine products, or a certain type of food she might be craving.

It doesn't need to be accompanied by promises of sexual pleasure. In fact “please” is much more powerful than “I'll make love to you all night long”.

”Please” creates a longing to do the thing asked, whereas “I'll make love to you all night long” creates a longing to ... well ... make love all night long. Of course, if that's what you want, you can combine the two: “Please make love to me all night long,” will probably produce the desired results (assuming you MEAN IT to your husband or lover).

It isn't indecent; it isn't demeaning; it isn't degrading. It's just plain powerful. When I hear my girlfriend say “please” – with that inflection that comes only from a woman – I can't help myself. I want to please her. I want to do as she asks.

Even if the word “please” is the only reward I will ever receive.

Of course, “thank you” or “that was very sweet of you” is kinda nice too.

So, if you want something from a man, try saying “please” – in a nice way – “please get me my purse”, "Would you please get me a glass of juice?". It goes much further. You may not think that it matters too much because after you were asked to say please you said it, but the reality of it is...you didn't say it, it was said for you, you just repeated it.

I can't speak for any other man but I know that I ask with respect when needing something from anyone, especially my girlfriend. If I have failed to say please one hundred percent of the time, I apologize now. It seems like lately I get the "you dare ask me to be inconvenienced" look after requesting something. I would be a real piece of work if I got upset by this and didn't ask for things with respect. You see, I do ask with respect and I don't believe its too much to expect in return. Right?


Having a good relationship requires, amongst other things, that we devote positive attention to one another. Asking for something from the one your in love with and saying please when asking is an example of getting positive attention. When life intervenes, and attention is lacking, one or other person can sometimes start to feel bad, start to miss the other person, start to miss engaging with the other person.

This is not necessarily a sign that the person needs to toughen up and become less vulnerable, it is part of what it means to be human. Those who are happy not to see or talk to their spouse week in, week out may be proud of their psychological independence, but if you have a deep, intimate connection with someone, it is natural to want to engage with that person. Don't you think?

When people feel a lack of engagement, they are unable to express that openly and honestly especially when the one trying to engage feels tuned out. Sometimes it's hard to even admit to yourself that you feel such a lack when you have such strong, deep, rich passion about one you say you love.

And so, we panic. we start throwing damning-sounding labels around, and wondering if we need therapy. we despise our ‘co-dependency’ and deny our human need for attention and engagement with the one we love. Men are most guilty of it.

But because we do need attention, we are drawn, unconsciously, to destructive actions to get that attention. We sulk, snap at the person when he or she is there, and pine when he or she is not. We are less kind, less accommodating, more defensive. We might pick fights. Sort of like when a child feels the need for attention from mommy and daddy. If by trying to get them to play with toys doesn't get the attention they want they will start to get into things that they know they aren't supposed to, thus resulting in attention. Negative attention nonetheless, but no doubt..attention.

None of this is necessarily conscious or intentional, and sometimes, even when those acting in these destructive ways can see that this is what they are doing and want to stop, they are unable to, because there is still a problem to solve – still a lack of engagement.

But just what exactly is the point of being in a relationship if it is only theoretical and in your own mind? A relationship implies a connection between two individuals. If the relationship does not involve engaging with the other person, it is not a relationship you have, it is a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy; but don't confuse that with having a relationship.

Forget the ghastly psychobabble labels; forget the self-deprecation; forget the goal of not needing the other person. Instead, work towards being honest and open about your desire for engagement, without imposing on the one you love. The more you can be open-hearted and honest about your feelings, the easier it will be to meet your need for engagement in the relationship, and the less you will find yourself acting destructively.

Even when saying "please" before asking your partner to listen to you all the way before they interrupt does wonders...most of the time it gets the full attention and understanding that you feel that what needs to be said is important .