Words often forgotten

I'm going to approach this lightly because I know that the argument can not only be rebutted but reversed. So keep in mind that even though it is in a mans perspective I am fully aware of the universal lesson.

I mean it is quite often that women ask without asking. How many times have we heard a woman say “I need some more to drink” or “Theres no toilet paper in the bathroom”? We're supposed to interpret this not only as a request, but as sufficient motivation to do something for her.

The resentment engendered by such statements – requests without the simple decency of requesting – slowly poisons what your trying to build.

”I shouldn't have to ask,” is often the caustic reply of a woman whose unrequested request goes unfulfilled, where if she had simply said ”please”, she could have had anything she wished.

The raw power of a woman saying “please” is enough to make a man travel to the ends of the Earth – or even to the local walmart at 3am - to retrieve cold medicine or feminine products, or a certain type of food she might be craving.

It doesn't need to be accompanied by promises of sexual pleasure. In fact “please” is much more powerful than “I'll make love to you all night long”.

”Please” creates a longing to do the thing asked, whereas “I'll make love to you all night long” creates a longing to ... well ... make love all night long. Of course, if that's what you want, you can combine the two: “Please make love to me all night long,” will probably produce the desired results (assuming you MEAN IT to your husband or lover).

It isn't indecent; it isn't demeaning; it isn't degrading. It's just plain powerful. When I hear my girlfriend say “please” – with that inflection that comes only from a woman – I can't help myself. I want to please her. I want to do as she asks.

Even if the word “please” is the only reward I will ever receive.

Of course, “thank you” or “that was very sweet of you” is kinda nice too.

So, if you want something from a man, try saying “please” – in a nice way – “please get me my purse”, "Would you please get me a glass of juice?". It goes much further. You may not think that it matters too much because after you were asked to say please you said it, but the reality of it is...you didn't say it, it was said for you, you just repeated it.

I can't speak for any other man but I know that I ask with respect when needing something from anyone, especially my girlfriend. If I have failed to say please one hundred percent of the time, I apologize now. It seems like lately I get the "you dare ask me to be inconvenienced" look after requesting something. I would be a real piece of work if I got upset by this and didn't ask for things with respect. You see, I do ask with respect and I don't believe its too much to expect in return. Right?


Having a good relationship requires, amongst other things, that we devote positive attention to one another. Asking for something from the one your in love with and saying please when asking is an example of getting positive attention. When life intervenes, and attention is lacking, one or other person can sometimes start to feel bad, start to miss the other person, start to miss engaging with the other person.

This is not necessarily a sign that the person needs to toughen up and become less vulnerable, it is part of what it means to be human. Those who are happy not to see or talk to their spouse week in, week out may be proud of their psychological independence, but if you have a deep, intimate connection with someone, it is natural to want to engage with that person. Don't you think?

When people feel a lack of engagement, they are unable to express that openly and honestly especially when the one trying to engage feels tuned out. Sometimes it's hard to even admit to yourself that you feel such a lack when you have such strong, deep, rich passion about one you say you love.

And so, we panic. we start throwing damning-sounding labels around, and wondering if we need therapy. we despise our ‘co-dependency’ and deny our human need for attention and engagement with the one we love. Men are most guilty of it.

But because we do need attention, we are drawn, unconsciously, to destructive actions to get that attention. We sulk, snap at the person when he or she is there, and pine when he or she is not. We are less kind, less accommodating, more defensive. We might pick fights. Sort of like when a child feels the need for attention from mommy and daddy. If by trying to get them to play with toys doesn't get the attention they want they will start to get into things that they know they aren't supposed to, thus resulting in attention. Negative attention nonetheless, but no doubt..attention.

None of this is necessarily conscious or intentional, and sometimes, even when those acting in these destructive ways can see that this is what they are doing and want to stop, they are unable to, because there is still a problem to solve – still a lack of engagement.

But just what exactly is the point of being in a relationship if it is only theoretical and in your own mind? A relationship implies a connection between two individuals. If the relationship does not involve engaging with the other person, it is not a relationship you have, it is a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy; but don't confuse that with having a relationship.

Forget the ghastly psychobabble labels; forget the self-deprecation; forget the goal of not needing the other person. Instead, work towards being honest and open about your desire for engagement, without imposing on the one you love. The more you can be open-hearted and honest about your feelings, the easier it will be to meet your need for engagement in the relationship, and the less you will find yourself acting destructively.

Even when saying "please" before asking your partner to listen to you all the way before they interrupt does wonders...most of the time it gets the full attention and understanding that you feel that what needs to be said is important .