Decisions

A run away response is one of several responses and strategies available to us when confronted with a stressful situation. I've read that "a fleeting response is likely related to our childhood of having a single parent and maybe an abusive brother."

All my life I have been running, always on the go, whether pursuing something for the sake of achieving or obtaining it, or to divert from something behind me. The thing is I was never abused by my mother or siblings, if anything I was the one picking on them! So to look at why I am almost "programmed" to run from things concerning me, I can't compare them to an abused childhood, because, I simply wasn't abused.

As a matter of fact, my siblings and I were very much loved and taken care of very well, though we didn't have EVERYTHING we may have wanted ($100 pair of Jordan's, Name Brand Jeans or the latest and greatest video game console when it first came out). My mom worked hard for what we had, we had what we needed and we were grateful. I mean if you are to look at my grade school pictures, I was wearing calve high multi-colored tube socks. After a few days of wear, the tops stretched because they were pulled up so high all day and they fell down around my ankles when I moved. Not to mention the shirt with the skateboard in the center surrounded by pretty, manly...pink! Oooh yeah! Well, I do have to admit that pink shirt along with the peach horizontally striped one are probably what landed me Mr. Douglas's girlfriend in 4Th grade. Sorry about that by the way!

As I grew older my "needs" started to change a little bit. I started to feel that I should have more. I questioned why we couldn't have as much as the other kids and families. Just starting to pick up on the different levels of "money making" I didn't understand why we didn't make more money for us. As I see it, this very well could have been the beginning of my problems.

One thing I have noticed is that when someone I know is faced with the problem of a difficult situation, I figure out the best possible solution. Anytime anyone has ever needed any advice or assistance I was there with an opinion that seemed to be ideal. The problem lies in the solutions I come up with for myself. Why do I always seem to choose or formulate the wrong solution...for me? What about this chemical make up has gone wrong?

As I look back I see poisonous decision-making throughout my day. Why am I blind to stay in relationships that are diminishing and emotionally and/or psychologically toxic; smoke cigarettes, even though there is clear evidence that smoking is deadly to myself and to others in the vicinity and, most of all, engage in activities that I, in my Heart-of-Hearts, know are destructive and dangerous to the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of myself and valued others.

Destructive decision-making and self-sabotage are around all of us. For example, is there a more blatant illustration of self-destructive behavior than the Kobe Bryant case? Kobe seemed to have everything going for him. He is a top professional basketball player; he earns millions of dollars a year in salary and more than ten times that in product endorsements; he has a beautiful young wife and a new child; and he was one of the most respected and beloved athletes of our time. For some reason, however, he made a decision that put all this at risk, for what appears to be an hour or so of physical pleasure.

Kobe Bryant is no different from any of us. At times, we all make flawed and self-destructive decisions - especially when our emotions come into play. The difference between Kobe and almost everyone else is that Kobe's destructive decision-making is front and center in the public spotlight, and his humiliation, potential losses, and fall from grace have been, and will be, far more dramatic than most.

When certain personal emotions, emotional weaknesses, needs, and/or temptations are involved or triggered, I seemingly react thoughtlessly and reflexively by making a devastatingly destructive and self-sabotaging decision. Part of the problem is that when I'm faced with important decisions, I often have little or no time to think things through objectively, in order to reach the most constructive short- and long-term decisions.

I have read that the primary key to self-enhancing decision-making is to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared when decisions are required. This is especially true when the situation is triggered by particular emotions, needs, or cravings. Very often, I make bad decisions because I do not prepare myself, in advance, to deal with the possible, or probable, opportunities, issues, temptations, etc., that are likely to come my way.

So another question raises with this knowledge, How do you prepare mentally, emotionally, and psychologically before a decision is to be made? That question brings me to "expect the unexpected".

I have been exposed to many formulas for personal change and growth that rely upon the Band-Aid approach of simply changing my attitude and my facade. In today's world of quick fixes and superficial solutions, these theories can appear very attractive. And they may work - when things are going well. But when crises hit, deep conflicts occur, and tough choices need to be made, these matchstick foundations often fall apart, my positive facades fade or crumble, and I tend to revert back to my old, reflexive, ineffective decision-making process and strategies for dealing with problems...RUN! All of my resolve and resolutions go - as Paul Simon sang - "slip sliding away." I read that the reason is: "Formulas that change only facades basically focus upon changing the symptoms of our problems; they don't deal with and eradicate or alleviate their causes." We can't cure cancer with a spray of Bactine and a nice bandage. Deeper explorations and more intricate procedures and remedies are required.

Additionally, there are many self-help theories that deal exclusively and/or primarily with cerebral/cognitive solutions to behavioral problems. Therefore, they don't sufficiently deal with the all-important emotional aspects of the decision-making equation. As a result, these theories often fall short, because, as we all know, our emotions often override our better judgment.

If I am to lead a healthier, more constructively productive life, make it great, even come close to fulfilling my true potential and to achieve my most cherished and precious goals, I must go to the heart of my problems, and understand them and deal with them. I must reevaluate and rebuild my decision-making foundation and process, and solidly reinforce it with the "internal goods" that will actually allow me to attain my goals and fulfill my dreams, and continue to enjoy them over time. But when do I make the decision to find the root, and dig it up?

"The means by which we can take constructive ownership of our lives lies in how we reach our decisions."-Goleman