Elucidation..." Mr. Big Words "

When I was younger I never understood that a strong, healthy relationship can be one of the best supports in your life. It can actually improve your life in all aspects, strengthening your health, your mind and your connections with others as well.

However, it can also be one of the greatest drains if the relationship is not working. Someone told me once that its like an investment. The more you put in, the more you get back. Understanding love and what a healthy relationship is takes work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt and change through life as a team.

Everyone’s relationship is unique, But there are some things that good relationships have in common and I'm sure most of us are familiar with what makes a healthy relationship... Staying involved with each other, Getting through conflict and Communicating just to name a few key elements. I have been focused on communication lately...For those of you who know me understand that I don't have a problem talking to anyone about any chosen topic...I believe I am quite assertive and can and will initiate conversation without hesitation.

I've been reading a lot on positive thinking and what is expected out of me in a relationship and also learning how to recognize where I hold my standards to what I want in a partner for life. I've come to realize that I also have to take a look at myself and see if I live up to those standards as well. How can I possibly expect someone to respect me a certain way if I'm not a mirror of what I want? I can say that looking back..I had expected much more than what I gave. Not fair at all.

All of this reading and personal reflection up to this point has embedded a key focus, something I thought I had down. What I am finding out is that I have the capability of communicating to any person on earth in a way where we would both feel comfortable about our topic. What I didn't realize is that you can't expect everyone to have the same ability. With that expectation I sometimes feel I am being shut off when I am trying to discuss something important to my or " our " well being. I expect a rebuttal or an almost immediate response. All that does is create negative energy in the conversation because something gets said that pushes a known button, then the focus is off of the issue and... it snowballs.

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When we stop communicating well, we stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. I was told that as long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing. My confusion lies at, how can you determine whether your partner is willing to understand the importance of communicating or whether they have so much that needs to be fixed within them that it takes the focus off of communication and can't completely express themselves?

Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information.
So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact or leaning forward or away communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, both of us have to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help us understand better what one another is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you insist " No I'm not fine " , while clenching your teeth and looking away, your body is clearly signaling to me you are not. If you give a look that some say "could kill" and then asked what was done wrong and you respond with nothing I'm going to feel like your not being truthful because I understand the look to be associated with " No I'm not fine "
If you have known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, no ones partner is a mind-reader. While I may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. I may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding and anger.

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. However, it takes work on both of our parts to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

If you approach me with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. I read that sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while younger, or it could be years of accumulated resentment reaching a boiling point. It’s alright to have strong convictions about something, but I deserve to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what I need, and compromise when you can.

We both are learning how to respectfully resolve conflict. Still a few kinks here and there but conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep this relationship strong, we both need to feel we’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve with respect and love.
Make sure you are fighting fair. Don’t attack directly but use “I” to communicate how you feel. Don’t drag old arguments into the mix. Keep the focus on the issue at hand. Not flashing things in my face like tit for tat.

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. We won’t always be on the same page.
Don’t take out your problems on me. Life stresses can make us both short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, Wouldn't it seem easier to vent to or with me then to snap?
I know you are going through a lot but try as much as possible to be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always going to take place in any relationship, and it allows us to grow together through both the good times and the bad.